 Top Ten Video Game/Cartoon CharactersFace it. Since the dawn of video gaming, cartoon producers have been trying to slap subliminal messaging with ads within ad-filled time slots. It's like watching an infomercial for the George Foreman grill, with commercial breaks for band saws, tacos, and friggin' X-Box games. It's not their fault. Well, really it's their fault, but I kind of wanted to say it's not their fault to be politically correct, though you already know I can't be politically correct without calling someone Euro trash or stupid Liberal. It's hard, and as people send me hate mail with things like "STOP CALLING LIBRALZ STOOPID! IT MEAN YOU STOOPID REPUBICAN!", I justify my political incorrectness by saying "stoop to my level and call me Honkey or half-bred", as I am part-White/Filipino. Where was I? Oh, yeah, cartoons. Heh... Well, with great pride, I will list the greatest cartoon characters that had video games at one point of their career.
Number 10: Toad
Cartoon: Super Mario Bros. Super Show
Reason: He's pretty useless.
It's a wonder how he got into teaming up with the Mario Bros. After all, whenever I played a game of Super Mario Bros., he'd usually say something stupid, like "OUR PRINCESS IS IN ANOTHER CASTLE" or "WELCOME TO WARP ZONE". One time I saved him, he said "LET ME REMOVE THE EGGPLANT CURSE". I think I sniffed too much wood glue or something, because the screen started to melt and George Clooney and I were then impaling Mexican vampires with stakes attached to jackhammers. I then found out my brother turned off my game and put in From Dusk Till Dawn while I was passed out. And that bite mark on my arm was when I fell on a stapler. Whatever the case may be, I then made a startling revelation. If Toad and I were in From Dusk Till Dawn and were stuck with those guys that needed to fight the undead, Toad would be a great shield, covered in holy water and armed with a toothpick and heart-ripping tech! Then again, if Toad was able to do that, King Koopa would never screw around with the Princess in the first place. That justifies my placing Toad as number ten on the list.
Number 9: Mega Man
Cartoon: Captain N: The Game Master
Reason: Fun to laugh at.
If you ever watched an episode of Captain N: The Game Master, then you know that everything in the world would be screwed up. Sure, the only reason I watched this show was because the bad guys were awesome, and Dr. Wily never died just like in real life, but it was also funny to watch the pseudo-heroes of the show pop up every now and then. You had Kid Icarus, who was called that because the name "Pit" made him feel bad, and Belmont was a perverted man who thought he was a pilot and that stripping was a friendly way of saying "hi", but nothing compared to the freaky world of Tetris... I mean, Mega Man was freaky. He was lime green and was fat. It's like watching Heavyweights without Ben Stiller and without fat kids. You just knew he would suck, and it wouldn't be until later when he'd get his own show, complete with original look. Oh, and he could duck, which is what he never did on the NES. That ability alone nets him the ninth place on the list.
Number 8: Rowdy Roddy Piper
Cartoon: Super Mario Bros. Super Show
Reason: Lame ass wrestler.
Let me reiterate my stance on professional wrestling. I AM A WRESTLING MARK! I know too much for my own health... As long as your talking about the past, because THAT IS WRESTLING AT IT's FRIGGIN' BEST! Talk to me about the WWF and the current wrestling scene, and I'll break your face, though Ric Flair is in that league now, so it ain't that bad. Wasn't that awesome when Ric Flair and Rob. Van. Dam. put Vince McMahon and Chris Jericho in Figure Four Leg Locks? Oh, uh, anyway, Rowdy Roddy Piper never actually appeared in this show as a "cartoon character", but he did appear during the live segment with the "Manager of Champions" Captain Lou and "the guy that played as Luigi". In it, Piper, as any good Scotsman, has bagpipes, and the following conversation ensues:
Piper: "Hey, Cap'n Lou! Fix me bagpipes, or I'll wring your neck at Wrestlemania IV!"
Mario: "Roddy, I'm supposed to be Mario!"
Luigi: "I don't even have a real name, and after seven more episodes, I'll be out of work again."
Mario: "Hey, that's right, Luigi! At least I still have the WWF to support me for the next two years!"
Crocodile Dundee: "You guys wrap it up! You got me in the next tapin' soon, and you only have six days to finish taping these before your fired and I'll have to do me Subaru commercials."
Regardless of what really happened during that scene, Piper was wearing one of his "Hot Rod!" T-Shirts that day, and you got to give him credit for making a mockery out of his career. He's got my respect for the next twelve minutes, and that's why he's number eight.
Number 7: King Hippo
Cartoon: Captain N: The Game Master
Reason: He's fat with a P-H-A-T!
There are too many reasons why King Hippo is awesome. Why is he listed as number seven then? Because there are just too many reasons why other characters are awesome. King Hippo was that guy from Mike Tyson's Punch Out!!! that most people found frustrating in the old days. Often, King Hippo would punch you in the head with a fist bigger than Little Mac's head, and down he'd go. Afterwards, Mac would cry about how King Hippo was an unbeatable tank and wanted to know the secrets to defeating him. Doc usually said "JOIN THE NINTENDO FUN CLUB TODAY! MAC!" or "WAIT FOR HIM TO PUNCH, THEN COUNTER-PUNCH", whereas King Hippo would talk about his XXX-Large porno pants. In Captain N: The Game Master, King Hippo suffers from the same blue skin condition that Gleek the monkey and Solomon Grundy the retard had from Super Friends had. "Solomon Grundy want pants too!" Also, he hung out with Mother Brain, Eggplant Wizard, and Dr. Wily. That deserves some points. After all, Mother Brain was just sickening, Eggplant Wizard kept kicking my ass on level 3-4 on Kid Icarus, and Dr. Wily never dies. To review, King Hippo's weakness was his belly button. Keep punching it and he falls down. Then you can tell Doc to shove it with his Nintendo Fun Club subscriptions!
Number 6: Dexter
Cartoon: Dexter's Laboratory
Reason: He has no knees.
Dexter only recently aquired some games, and they're probably really crappy, too. His cartoon rocks all creation, and single-handedly crippled all opposition that stood in Cartoon Network's way! Many of his accomplishments include a High Five Machine, a monster potion, the bringing-to-life of an inanimate Abe Lincoln head from Mount Rushmore, a machine that bakes cookies, a flying sombrero, a giant Battleship game, a helmet that slows time, a giant computer screen that can count, and dodge ball shooting robot suit. Ever notice that he has no knees? This is due to a strange condition where science cripples humans. I call it "Professor Hawkins Syndrome", where scientists soon lose the ability to use their legs. Silly Dexter! Will you ever learn that science doesn't pay? Now that I think about it, it did help Dr. Wily survive a zillion encounters with Mega Man, but that's because Mega Man couldn't duck anyway. Dexter nets the number six slot.
Number 5: Duke Togo
Cartoon: A bunch of random animes.
Reason: ". . . ."
Apparently, Duke Togo has an anime show which involves him shooting people for money and saying ". . . ." on a regular basis. Though not as cool as James Bond, the only Bond-related cartoon character I could find was James Bond, Jr. from the flop cartoon James Bond, Jr., and we all know that it sucked, even for little kids that mindlessly watch Cartoon Network without caring what's on as long as it IS Cartoon Network that is on. Anyhow, on this show, he looks more sophisticated than the NES counterpart of him, and I believe he talks every now and then. However, playing Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode for a long time constitutes for an aquired ability known as "Togo Deficit Disorder", or TDD, where anything Duke Togo says is blocked by a little tune in your head. That tune is the theme music for that hit show from long ago, The Avengers, starring John Steed and Emma Peel. By the way, Togo says ". . . ." to everyone! Yay!
Number 4: Sailor Mercury
Cartoon: Sailor Moon
Reason: The only useful member in her team.
In animes, characters are often not allowed to have any intelligence points on their side, which constitutes for most of the pointless garbage Americans see whenever faced with episodes of Dragonball Z or Gundam Wing. It's not unusual. In Japan, most animes star guys with big muscles able to bend steel with their pinky and chick that can barely hang on to any clothing they actually have. Out of all of the odd world of animes out there, one known as Sailor Moon teaches us the valuable lesson of having long legs and stupid plots. Whenever fighting a demon, we learn that jumping out of the way is the best approach to counteracting an attack. If you didn't know, Japan manages to release many pointless games based on this strange scenario for the SNES. With that in mind, it's amazing that Sailor Mercury can ACTUALLY THINK. She had the power to use a computer and can shoot water from her hands. Oh, and she ends up saving everyone from a tentacle or a deadly flying paper clip nearly every episode. Here's a quick scene:
Sailor Mercury: "I've deciphered the monster's weakness and am able to concoct a quick plan of action to defeat it in one quick strike."
Sailor Moon: "I not know big words."
Sailor Jupiter: "I'm good for nothing!"
Sailor Venus: "Is it just me, or do I look exactly like every other anime girl out there?"
Sailor Mars: "Use fire. Is good."
In other words, she was about the only useful person in the entire group. Whenever one of these conversations come around, half of the girls get trapped in some vines or something, while the other half ramble on for another five minutes about losing energy and how not to take drugs, and all in broken English, before a man in a tuxedo saves them all. After a few years of sucess, the show was cancelled for two new shows named Super Family Fun Time and Mega Panty Warriors, meaning the end of Sailor Mercury and thinking in anime altogether. It's probably for the best. Japan ain't used to watching their cartoons think.
Number 3: Darkwing Duck
Cartoon: Darkwing Duck
Reason: Because he's Darkwing Duck.
I hate Disney, but I love this show! It's almost like saying "I hate Microsoft, but I love X-Box". Of course, no one really says that. On any account, Darkwing Duck was like a Batman spoof, only cooler. Darkwing Duck, or "DW" for short, had a gun that shot gas and stuff. Capcom did the game for this cool character, and it worked. The only difference between this game and other games based on a certain franchise is that Darkwing Duck is awesome! My favorite episode was when he had that plant that grew money, and could have retired if only all of that money the plant generated didn't have all the same serial numbers on them. That sucked. I wish I had a money plant. Then it turned out to be the work of Bushroot, the evil plant being. Unlike the Super Friends and their enemies, DW's enemies actually HAVE SUPER POWERS. I mean, the Legion of Doom has the Riddler, who's powers involved leaving clues behind, Lex Luthor, who had the gift of baldness, Toy Man, who had toys, and Solomon Grundy, who talked in the third person. DW's enemies had real powers, like Bushroot had the power to control plants, while Liquidator could turn into water, and Quackerjack... Oh, wait. He has the exact same power as Toy Man. Plus, DW has Launchpad, who works for Scrooge McDuck as a pilot, and moonlights as DW's pilot. Then, doesn't that mean Launchpad should be here instead of DW? Naw. DW has a gas gun and a cape, sucka!
Number 2: King Koopa
Cartoon: Super Mario Bros. Super Show
Reason: Sounds like Sgt. Slaughter
Is it just me, or does King Koopa sound just like Sgt. Slaughter from the WWF? Whatever the case may be, he acts cool about it. Every episode of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show revolved around him being extra evil, and that is hard to come by when them Mario Bros. keep trailing your every evil move. King Koopa got around to building an invincible army of bomb-throwing birds, turtles that had stubby legs, mice that sounded like strong men, three-headed snakes, skating snowmen, and water-sensitive dudes made of fire. In the end, though, it's King Koopa's excellent laughing skills that save the day for all evil! That is, if them Mario Bros. could just go away. You have to hand it to King Koopa, though. He is presistent, and a true inspiration for all who have a dream. So, keep your feet on the ground and reach for them stars, because someday, your dreams of ruling the world with moderately powerful stuffed animals will come true.
Number 1: Team Rocket
Cartoon: Pokèmon
Reason: Greatest team of all time!
In case you didn't know, most cartoon characters that got video games, or vice versa, had horrible games or vice versa. And a lot of them lacked any kind of style. However, it's the team of Jesse, James, and Meowth, that made the top of the list. No matter how much Ash, Misty, and Brock talked about how being good to your Pokèmon is good or how it's not nice being mean, it was the antics of Team Rocket that made the show last as long as it did. Their message of peace involved "stealing Pokèmon for the boss" or "grabbing a bite to eat". They represent everything that's right with the world, and while they may not have an electric rat or eyes that are glued shut, they are a team, and there is no "I" in team. However, the team of Ash, Misty, and Brock does have Misty's cool Psyduck, but it was later deemed lesser than the awesome power of Jesse's Wobbuffet! And isn't that what stealing Pokèmon is all about?That's your list. Now go away, or click here. |