Top Ten Gundam M.S. War Cards
Collectible card games are sweeping the nation like the not-so-recent yellow fever scare going about these days, and at the top of the list as of
late is none other than that wacky game based on that wacky Japanese anime known as Yu-Gi-Oh!, a show about cards and Millenium
Items and Dungeon Dice Monsters and Dueling and Life Points and all sorts of wacky words being yelled from one character to the next! Of
course, the NES Horsemen staff (me and the other guy that does nothing) plays all sorts of collectible card games. Okay, only I play all sorts of
collectible card games, whilst the other guy only plays Magic: The Gathering, a game that costs more to invest in than K-Mart. Regardless,
NES Horsemen recognizes the need to cater to all types of gamers, so to celebrate the overwhelming success of the card game Yu-Gi-Oh!,
we have decided to rate our top ten Gundam M.S. War cards! What? You thought I was gonna do something on Yu-Gi-Oh!? That
doesn't make sense... Well, see, my history with the Gundam series is bitter-sweet, mostly because it features conflicting forces of good and bad.
The good is, of course, the number of female characters with oversized eyes and the amount of violence per episode. The bad, unfortunately, consists of the
most gay-looking of male characters and more angst than a Linkin Park album. Oh ho ho! I made another Linkin Park crack! Ha ha! That's always
fun as well as funny! Thanks for sticking around! Anyhow, the game is pretty decent, and even though you may not know jack about collectible
card games or what does what, you'll still be interested in what crazy crap may go on in this article! By the way, if you
CLICK ON THIS LINK RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, a new window
will pop-up, displaying all ten cards (out of numerical order) in .JPG format, at the mega-fat size of 800+ kb, or whatever it's called, so you can read
what the cards do and stuff, that is, if you CAN READ! Read on!
Number 10: Mercurius (MS-064)
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The least-suckiest-looking robotic war machine ever concocted. Also, it's the most environmental friendly, spewing
only asbestos instead of carbon monoxide.
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As you can see, I've been using this new tabled image tag thing that allows me to not only show the picture, but also make some stupid remark
underneath the picture as well. The powers of HTML compel me! Anyhow, you're probably unfamiliar with card games at this juncture, so let
me try to explain THIS game in the a way that will both entertain you because you must be bored if you're reading this, AND educate you because
school ain't teaching you anything important anyways. In this marvelous game designed by Hasbro or Konami or some company that sounds
remotely Japanese, you take on the role of a military base. Your mission? Kill the other player, who represents the opposing base. Your "deck",
or pile of cards you assembled for this game, represents your supplies. Like real military bases, supplies are both hidden and are chosen at
random. Does your commanding officer want a rocket launcher RSVP? You'll have to randomly pick from a pile of unmarked supply boxes until
you get it. If you don't, you'll probably choose a medikit or a stim-pack or a Pot of Greed or something. Continuing onward, your base is in the
whole "Gundam Universe" thing where everyone is in angst and wars are determined by using rediculously oversized robotic suits called "Mobile
Suits". In Japan, tanks and airplanes and stuff are the thing of the past when you have a $500,000,000,000 war machine being piloted by one
guy. It's called "cost efficient", or as we call it in the U.S., "stupid". So you start the game with seven cards, you play cards from your hand by
paying their cost in the upper left-hand corner of the cards. You pay by either discarding cards from the top of your deck equal to it's cost or
removing cards from your discard pile entirely from the game equal to it's cost. In other words, if you want to play " Stop Playing This Damn
Game", it has a cost of seventeen. So either you discard seventeen cards from the top of your deck, or remove seventeen cards from your discard
pile from the game, or just stop playing because if you haven't played at least Magic: The Gathering or Pokemon by now, you're probably wasting
your time playing this game, even though this is widely considered one of the easiest card games in existance. Anyhow, read the card's text. So, say
if Mercurius got in a battle with another Mobile Suit that has a funky ability like "Eat a moonpie after attacking", and if Mercurius is the assaulted
person in this battle, then Mercurius's ability kicks in, and the opponent can't eat a moonpie after attacking. Likewise if the ability was "Take a dump
on your opponents cards" or "Watch Cartoon Cartoon Friday This Friday Cartoon Network!" There. Now you know a little bit about card games.
In all, this card here is the wall to end all walls.
Number 9: Maganac (MS-007)
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I can't think of a funny comment.
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Our number nine card is a neat little ditty that, when attacking, can't be defended by a non-Sand-type Mobile Suit. See, in this game, there are three
different kinds of Mobile Suits: Regular, Sand, and Sea. Regular ones are just normal, whilst Sand and Sea ones have the opportunity to say they
are labeled Sand and Sea types. Unlike in Pokemon, one doesn't have the advantage over another, and there is no paper-rock-scissors thing going
down. The different types are there in case of specific cards that say things like "Sea-type M.S. (Mobile Suit) cards are cool" or "Sand-type M.S. cards
not only suck, but are all destroyed at the end of this turn". In this case, whenever Maganac attacks the enemy base, the enemy better have a Sand-type
M.S. card, or they'll get a rocket up their ass, or as they say in this game, the opponent will take "damage". When a base takes "damage", much like in real
life, the base loses some of their supplies, or in this game, you discard cards from your deck equal to the amount of damage received. Yes, your deck is
much like the action-adventure comic book action-adventure hero, Spawn. You can do all these neat little abilities, but once you're out of juice, John
Leguizamo will ruin not only your movie, but your entire acting career on the basis of what I like to call "The Leguizamo Curse". It's a known fact that
any movie he stars in will undoubtably bomb horribly within seconds of the movie's release.
Number 8: Romefeller Foundation's HQ (BF-019)
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It's a "holofoil" card, meaning that if you look into it, it'll be like looking into that Ark that melted the faces off those dirty Nazis.
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In the show, Gundam Wing, the Romefeller Foundation was this elite and rich group of old people that consisted of old men that didn't look
fruity, making them the most normal-looking male folk in the entire show. Because they are rich and powerful and old, you know that they are not only
capitalistic, but evil, war-mongering Republicans that want to keep you from hugging trees and stabbing babies. This card has the awesome (read: boring)
ability to make you play Oz-type cards that have a cost of four or more for two less. You can tell if a card is "Oz" or "WG" by looking at the upper-left hand
corner of the card. It's what is known as "card segregation", you see. Also, it's a "Battlefield" card, meaning that to play it, you need to pay it's price (in this case,
it's 2) AND you need to have it's requirements to actually play it (in this case, more than two Oz Pilot cards). In this game, there can only be one Battlefield card in
play at a time, so if your opponent plays "McDonalds HQ" later on during the turn, then this card will be destroyed. By being destroyed, however, it's "Battle Scars"
comes into effect. In this case, you discard your entire hand. Wow! What a great drawback! On a plus note, it's a holofoil card, meaning it's so shiny that if your
opponent looks directly into the shine, it'll burn his or her retina off. COOL!
Number 7: The Peacecrafts (EV-017)
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Perhaps the best animation ever drawn!
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Now we go on to our next card, and it's an "Event" card, meaning it's like a "magic spell" or a "toilet paper roll" or something that, once played, it does whatever the card says
and then it's discarded. "The Peacecrafts" has the uncanny ability to COUNTER the effects of OTHER Event cards. Put this into perspective: Your opponent plays "This Show
Gets Cancelled" and it has the ability to end this game, making himself the winner. Of course, a card like this doesn't exist, but if I was in charge, I'd make it. The show only lasted
a season or so, and was replaced by either G Gundam or Gundam Flipper or F.U. Gundam or some other strange crappy Gundam show. Anyhow, you really want to win that last
Coca Cola and Snickers bar, so of course, you don't want him to win. You check your hand, and it has "The Peacecrafts" in it. Pay the cost to activate it, and use it to "void" it's
effects! Now your opponent doesn't win! Yay, or something. With an ability like this, it's easy to see why people don't play this game very often. Hmm... Since I have extra
space left, let me fill you in on how I got into this game anyway. Apparently, a friend of mine was buying boxes upon boxes of these cards from a local Wal-Mart that couldn't sell
them, so they sold them for a low, low price of a couple of dollars, as opposed to the boxes being sold for $40+ a pop. Well, in this game, unlike others, you are restricted to having
only one of each kind of card, so no duplicate copies. Hence, I managed to snag most of his duplicates. Of course, it easily meant I have collected most of the set really easily,
and since I both have a scanner and noticed that nobody talks about this crappy game, well then I'll be the first in online history to talk crap about it! At least, that's what I hoped.
I don't know if anybody else has done it, but I wouldn't be suprised. The internet is full of crazy nerdy guys, most nerdier than I.
Number 6: Rose Essence (EV-043)
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Insert gay joke here.
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I wasn't even going to put this card up, but it follows the general rule about all card games. The rule is that EVERY CARD GAME NEEDS A MESSED-UP CARD-DRAWING CARD!
In Pokemon, for example, there was "Bill", the Trainer card that allowed you to draw two cards without a drawback. In Yu-Gi-Oh!, there is Pot of Greed, a Magic card that allowed you to
draw two cards without a drawback. In Magic: The Gathering, there was a card called "Ancestral Recall" that allowed you to draw THREE cards for the cost of one blue mana. In Sailor
Moon, there was "Cram School", which allowed you to draw two cards with no drawback. So, in this game, you get your staple card-drawing card. Rose Essense had a small price for a
great ability, despite it's gay-looking picture. I mean, I don't want to sound homophobic or anything, but THE WHOLE SHOW REVOLVED AROUND A BUNCH OF HOMO-EROTIC
MALES! That's partially why the show isn't shown on Cartoon Network much. I guess there's a lesson to this. Unfortunately, I don't know what it is, so don't bother asking me. So, if
you enter the world of collectible card games, you must ALWAYS look for the staple card-drawing card or cards, unless you're playing Magic: The Gathering, because only people
playing blue can abuse it.
Number 5: Dorothy Catalonia (PL-032)
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Alright! No more guys for the rest of the article!
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I'm stoked! I'm estatic! In short, I'm half-baked or whatever. For the rest of the list, it's going to be easy for me to write, as the gay jokes die down. In this game, you have seen "M.S." cards,
the cards that consist of your little army of robotic dealies, "Battlefield" cards, which alter the conditions of the battle, and "Event" cards, which do one thing or another. Now it's time to see the
"Pilot" cards, which, unless otherwise noted, are attached to a M.S. card in play to do all sorts of additional things. This card is one of my favorites, not only because it's a chick and not a dude,
but because it boosts the attack power of an M.S. card by one point. That's not the big deal, though. The deal is, if the M.S. card she's piloting gets destroyed, she just goes back to your hand.
She's the only pilot in the whole show smart-enough to use an ejector seat. Like, everybody else just screams out about something stupid like "damn you" and "ARRRGGHH!!!" before exploding
in a ball of hellfire. Also, she is one of the villainous female characters in the show, meaning that she was both evil and non-male! The only strange thing to note, besides the not-so-unusual anime
stereotypes like larger-than-life eyes, are those freaky eyebrows. Who's complaining? Okay, I think I just lost the female audience in this paragraph, that is, if we ever HAD a female audience...
Number 4: Lucrezia Noin (PL-031)
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Just your everyday female character with dark purple hair.
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Another "Pilot" card, and yet another female, is Lucrezia Noin. Attaching her to an M.S. card gives that M.S. card "Preemptive Strike", meaning that if the M.S. card she is piloting is in a battle with
another M.S. card that has the same attack points as the suit she is in, resulting in a tie, then the card with "Preemptive Strike" wins. Otherwise, if both were in a tie and neither had P.S. or both had P.S.,
then they both die horribly. Make sense? Yeah. She doesn't have the "ejector seat" thing that Dorothy has, but she can give her suit an additional attack point... But it has a drawback. You need a Zech
Merquise or a Milliardo Peacecraft in play. Why is this a drawback. Refer to my "homo-erotic" references earlier. Okay, I said no more gay jokes, but I can't help it. They're just too funny, or would be, if
you're narrowminded and conservative, like myself. Ha ha ha, that's a knock on me, thanks for sticking around! Do you notice that half of her face is concealed by her hair? In all animes, there has to be at
least one person (in DBZ, every person) that has an abnormal hairdo. Who's complaining? Okay, now I'm going to end all these paragraphs with the phrase "Who's complaining?", thus proving that I believe
women are a lot cooler than men. Of course, I say this because I'd rather make out with a woman than I would with a dude, you sick and probably gay bastard!
Number 3: Here Comes Team Rocket!
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Surrender now or prepare to fight!
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I added this card because I can. Without a doubt, Team Rocket is my all-time favorite anime villains ever, probably because they aren't full of that crap goths call "angst". I hate angst, if you haven't noticed.
There's nothing more annoying than angst. I mean, some say it's an "artistic outlet", but I fail to see the "art" in it. Compare all the things goths do that normal people don't. Normal people go about their
lives, whereas goths cut themselves with razors and have all this "pain", more or less cause by the fact that their parent(s) won't let them go to the mall or whatever. Don't get me started on the whole "mainstream
vs. underground" crap, because the "underground" is nothing more than a "second mainstream". Yes, I'm drifting off into Digressing Land where short attention spans are a plus. Besides, I'm too old to
bother with all that "mainstream/underground" crap, and by "too old" I mean I've got better things to do than join a popularity contest and enough free time to write about stupid crap like collectible card
games and why that "mainstream/underground" crap is stupid. I need some more filler for this paragraph, so I'll just add a few extra lines. "Take these broken wings, and learn to fly again, learn to live so free."
That's from a Mister Mister song called "Broken Wings". "**** the Mexicans!" That's a line from "Baseketball", a movie starring those two guys that made semi-humorous crap like "South Park" and the
most boring of comedies, "That's My Bush". Note that I censor the "F-word". Enough of that goes around the internet, and NES Horsemen isn't about worn-out cliques. It's about random crap, you see.
Besides, last I checked, only stupid goths and skaters that act like goths used that kind of language. That or Vietnam veterans... I forget which.
Number 2: Relena Peacecraft
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Typical anime woman... WITH THE POWER OF POLITICS!
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Number two on the list is one of the main-main characters of the show. Relena spent the entire show being all political. On one hand, it's kind of neat, because if you were a guy and were into politics, you can
have intelligent discussions about famine and arsenic and Republicans and Democrats and Tom Daschle's stupid haircut and Rush Limbaugh's offensive (to Liberals) humor and other stupid things! On the other
hand, much to my dismay, besides the fact that she is a poorly-animated Japanese cartoon character, is the fact that she is pretty much a SEMI-BLEEDING-HEARTED LIBERAL! This means that I'd probably make
her cry every five seconds with my usual arguements, most of which I derive from Rush Limbaugh, and reconfigure to fit my beliefs, to not only make a point, but to make everyone laugh in their heads as they go
to work thinking about how cool it would be to be paid to make fun of Liberals on the radio. Now that I think about it, it'd be much more fun to listen to people make fun of Conservatives, but then again, 99% of all
sitcoms and comedies do enough of that already. Anyhow, Relena believes in a "One World Nation" and "Total Pacifism", two ideas that are as farfetched as both Communism and Fascism all at the same time.
Then again, I think she believes in Capitalism. She does seem economically secure. Plus, she's hot. ANIME HOT. Not as hot as Ami Mizuno (Sailor Mercury) mind you, but who's complaining? Oh, card ability
thing. Er... All Mobile Suits lose their abilities. That means those M.S. cards at the beginning of this article, the ones with neato-torpedo abilities... Yeah, when Relena is on the field (even though she is a "Pilot",
you don't attach her to a Mobile Suit; you just keep her on the field), all of those great abilities go down the crapper. They are null and void. Hooray.
Number 1: Relena Darlian
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To answer your question, yes, it's the same person.
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The top of the list is Relena Darlian. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about the stock market. You're also thinking "Hey M.C.! Ain't that the same Relena from the last paragraph?" Yes it is. See,
in the show, Relena Darlian is the adopted daughter of some guy named "Mr. Darlian", a guy with facial hair and lots of money. He dies quickly in the show, and before he does, he tells Relena that she is really a
Peacecraft, a royal family bunch that all but died in a horrible firefight from Hell or something. The Peacecrafts believe in peace, and probably crafting as well. Long story short, with some political prowess and money,
she becomes Relena Peacecraft, becomes the princess-queen of the entire friggin' planet, and some other crap. In this game, you are restricted to playing only one of each different kind of card, but you can play one
Relena Darlian AND one Relena Peacecraft. It's called "I screwed up on the rules" and it applies to some other card games as well. She has the ability to keep the opponent from attacking at the expense of discarding
the top three cards of your deck and preventing yourself from attacking your next turn. It's good if you're stalling, but it's bad if you already have a small deck. Heh, that's a bit of innuendo right there, thanks for sticking
around. Relena is hot in this picture as well. ANIME HOT. More so than the card before it. Sure, she's, for the millionth time, a poorly-animated Japanese cartoon character, but who's complaining?
By now you're thinking I'm insane. Well, think about it this way. You're a heterosexual male, age 14 to 30. Rating the following people you'd make out with, anime women would fall behind real women and ahead of gay
men. There, I made my point. Real women are better than anime women, but anime women are better than George Michael. Booya!
Supermodel!
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