One of those three point-and-click computer ports for the ol' NES, Shadowgate is by far the most popular of the three. It had a Medieval theme to it, and everybody loves the Middle Ages for some reason, what with all that sorcery and witchcraft and all that awful Wiccan crap that everybody is into these days. Plus, the Dark Ages had swords and incantations and nuclear biology and evil corporations. Nothing explains the time period known as "that period in time between the Greco-Roman era and the Renaissance era" more than everybody's favorite RPG, the "flawless" game known as Final Fantasy VII. It not only had swords and sorcery, but the bad guys were bent on destroying nature, and they were probably Republican. As you may know from CNN, Republicans are evil, cigar-smoking fat men that burn rainforests for fun and relentlessly beat up minorities with their Whitehood^tm. But this review isn't about Final Fantasy VII, also known as the most overrated piece of Commie propaganda to ever grace a gamer's presence like a plague of Leninism. This is about Shadowgate, and once again I digressed and messed up the review like nobody else can.

"Holy crap, I'm white?"

Picture this if you may: it is the year XXXX, the Middle Ages. Some evil sorcerer is going all crazy zapping people left and right with Magic Missiles and Cantrip spells. One man, who is some kind of knight/wizard/priest, is out to stop him. For the sake of simplicity, we will call the bad guy "Evil Wizard" and the good guy "Paladin". See, Paladin has a satisfactory Constitution stat that enables him to withstand evil magic, with the proper saving throws, that is. So he gets lost in a forest and ends up in Castle Shadowgate, at least that is what I think the place is called. You ever notice that some games have places named after the title of the game? I mean, you have Wolfenstein 3D based in Castle Wolfenstein, and Duke Nukem 64 has a place called Castle Dukenstein. In fact, why the hell is everything in a castle? When I make my own game, it'll take place somewhere cool, like a disco or the medical wastes of New Jersey, or someplace scary like Utah or California. Anyway, your character is completely unarmed in his trek, and by some kind of space voodoo that Evil Wizard hexed our hero with, he ends up stuck near the front lawn of Castle Shadowgate. Your mission is to break into the castle and kick the crap out of Evil Wizard, collecting weapons like the +1 Mace and items like Potions, and fighting evil enemies like Imps and GrImps... Oh, sorry, wrong game.

I thought this was the kitchen, what with all these books.

No, this isn't an RPG, so forget the stereotype of "Medieval setting equals Role Playing Game" for a quick second. Also, forget the historical inaccuracies that plague this game, like the lack of steam-powered machines and Espers and airships. This game is, after all, fiction, so all of you Final Fantasy and Lord of the Rings fans can stop writing your angry letters to Kemco about how inaccurate this game. The controls for this game were tailor-made for a computer, since computers have a mouse and keyboard and other neat little things, so the transition from computer to Nintendo Entertainment System kind of hurt the game in the controls department. The little cursor thing you move around in the game is slower than the average Jackass fan, so most of us that suffer from Attention Deficit Disorder will more than likely hate this game. (Hey, I should have just copy-&-pasted my Deja Vu review here since it is the same damn game and I have the same damn jokes.) You have at your disposal key actions that will help you on your quest, such as the "MOVE" action and the "TAKE" action. As you progress, you will TAKE key items that will aid in your quest, such as the "COPPCOIN" and the "KEY 2", and "LOOK" at magical spells such as "EPOR", and perhaps you will be able to "USE" some of the crap you carry around like the "STONE" and the "SPHERE", but I'm not about to spoil the game for you, am I? If anything, I've told you too much already!

I should USE the GAUNTLET on my BONE, then SPEAK to my SELF.

If you have read my Deja Vu review before this, then you already know what this game has. This is literally the exact same game with slightly different puzzles and it has a different setting from the other game (which took place in urban Japan in the year 20X6), so there isn't much more that I could add to the review of this game that hasn't been said already. Therefore, for the rest of this review, I shall just ramble on incoherently as filler, starting right about... Now! Charles Bronson is one of the coolest actors around, because he played the role of "Paul Kersey", also known as the "Vigilante Killer" in the semi-famous cult classic five movie series, Death Wish, in which he killed rapists, muggers, and all-around evil criminal bastards that deserve to be shot on sight, plus, he starred in one of the greatest movies of all time, The Great Escape, along with Steve McQueen, also known as "The King of Cool, and Donald Pleasance, also known as "the old doctor dude on the old Halloween movies. Hey hey hey did you know that I purchased the limited edition Speed Racer DVD a while back? It is awesome and it has the first eleven episodes of that cool show and the Mach 5 is the fourth-coolest car in existance right behind Mr. T's van and the General Lee and Kitt but it is slightly cooler than the car Burt Reynolds drove in the great trilogy of movies Smokey and the Bandit and since Speed Racer is so cool I won't use commas or periods or any other punctuation marks for the rest of this already long run-on sentence that my ol' English teacher told me not to make but I like Speed Racer so much that I will never ever ever ever end my sentences with punctuation marks again until I feel like it and I feel like it right now because my arms and fingers are getting tired of all this fast typing I'm doing and I think I'm going to pass out now so goodnight...

Tired...

Ratings

Graphics: 2.0 / 5.0
Sound: 0.5 / 5.0
Control: 2.5 / 5.0
Fun: 2.0 / 5.0

Graphics: This is the same rating as I gave Deja Vu.
Sound: Same here, too.
Control: Ditto.
Fun: Yup.