 Cold War It's Not
"Don't turn around! Uh-oh! Der Kommisar's in town! Uh-oh!" Yes, the 80s! Those were the days. Duran Duran. Ronald Reagan. Mr. T. And of course, the end of the Cold War, and with that, the fall of the Soviet Union. But alas, someone at Konami saw the ending a little differently...
Of course, the Cold War is over. But to relive history, close that Liberal textbook, plug in Rush'n Attack on your NES, and learn yourself some history... It's the American way!
Sound: If you ever work at Konami for some strange reason, it'd be a good idea to teach them how to make up new sound effects and music. After all, originality is good. Obviously, Konami hasn't learned that since their first game, Konami Adventures for the Atari -5349684 B.C. Control: Uh... What? I'm pressing "up" to jump? That ain't right! What ended up happening was people would try to jump using the "A" button, and they'd die in a split-second. Oh, well, you'll figure it out. At least, I hope so. YOU'D BETTER! Fun: Stopping the Commie threat in the Cold War era? It's the American way!  |
In a nutshell, the Cold War was military tension between the United States of America and the Union of Soviet Socalists Republic, also known as "The Commies". The Commies had great weapons, like fear, poverty, Stalin's paranoia, Ivan Koloff, nukes, and vodka. The U.S. had a guy wearing blue to blend in with trucks and other Commie environmental things, armed with a knife. This man's mission? To run around the Commie bases. Oh, and to blow up some weapon. An easy mission, seeing as how Soviet soldiers have the I.Q. of a biscuit, at least according to this game, Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons, and National Wrestling Alliance matches. Yes, life was great in the Ronald Reagan era!
See, Commie soldiers in this game have rifles for which to blow you away with. However, they tend not to fire at you. Instead, running right into you is the best method of eliminating the U.S. budinski! Commie soldiers run at a blazing 3mm per hour, which has enough centrifical force to blow away a piece of paper, a speck of dirt, and a U.S. soldier made out of blue pixels. You, on the other hand, have a knife for this mission. Instead of stabbing Commies with the knife, you just stick the knife out in front of you and hope a Commie runs into it. Commies, having the I.Q. of a donut, only run one direction: left. Get it? Left? Communists? Liberals? Ha ha ha! Okay, it wasn't that funny. What do you expect? I ain't "politically correct" or anything.
When you reach the end of a level, you fight a boss. At least, that's what's supposed to happen. In this game, you fight a billion Commies that run right into you in the first level. Then you probably do other things, but who cares? You know the U.S. is going to win! After all, the Berlin Wall fell! And think about it! Ronald Reagan + United States of America = Fall of Communism! It's a simple equation that most conservatives know and are proud of! All that's left is to enter the super-secret level, where you fight past a dozen Californians that love Commies for their ideals, despite the fact that Stalin killed 20 million of his own people. Why'd he do it? Because he's a nut! On any account, fight them off, and you'll go head to head against the evil "Jane Fonda Robot" which tries to throw you towards a POW camp in Vietnam, where you will be tortured! To win, use your Second Amendment Attack you received from Charleton Heston! Victory in the USA!