You've heard of those weird point-and-click games that the NES has, right? Deja Vu, Shadowgate, and Uninvited suffered from a lot of reading and pointing and clicking, so many felt that those games were boring. That's probably true and I'm not about to contest that semi-popular opinion. I will say, however, that they weren't as tripped out and wacky as this game! Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom not only has one of the strangest names, the content would be given a "Mature" rating by the ESRB possibly for "drug use" or "drug endorsement".

I don't get it, either.

So here's how it goes, folks! Apparently, King (insert random fruit or vegetable here) dies from something, and Princess Tomato gets kidnapped. Some wizard named after some produce has a death grip over the Salad Kingdom, so it is up to you, a walking, talking piece of grocery foodstuffs to save the Tomato and eventually the Salad. Somebody at Hudson got too big a hit off the old "Bongerman", I'd reckon. I can't keep up with the story since everybody is named after vegetables and fruits, and I'm not at all knowledgable in the keeping-up of vegetable names and who is what. I will say, however, that everything in this game is strange and trippy. This game right here is the epitome of crackhead ideas. I'm not talking Gary Busey crazy, here. I'm talking Half Baked pothead stuff going down. My best guess is that whoever made this game has a striking resemblence to Jim Breuer, who co-starred in that movie along with Dave Chappelle. No matter when you see Jim, he always looks stoned, man, unless you've never seen Half Baked, to which I recommend you see it RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT! Oh, man, this is going to be a tough review to ass my way through, I'll tell you that... I guarantee that unless you possess the reading skills of an avid Harry Potter reader and have either the intelligence of Stephen Hawkins or the doped-out mindset of, say, Towelie. Yes, this game is freakin' out-of-it.

Holy Hell, what is that?

So remember those games I mentioned earlier? You know, Shadowgate and their ilk? Well, this game gets rid of all the hassle of clicking on badly drawn pixelated pictures by getting rid of the cursor altogether. How do you get through this game then, you ask? Well, just look at the screenshot to your... HOLY CRAP WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? Where was I? Oh yeah. Look at that screenshot "carefully". You will note that there are words such as "MOVE" and "TAKE" on them there boxes. The "cursor" is actually just a highlight thing for the boxes that allow for super selectability the likes of which you have never seen before. EVER! As for interacting with the crap in the picture box? Well, when you choose an action from the many "action boxes", the bottom part of the screen gives you a list of crap that you can interact with. So let's say you want to "HIT" that scary thing on that picture. No problem! Push the "HIT" box! Since he's the only thing in the picture, you'll be sure to get that thing out of your way! But let's say you want to pick up some "SPINACH", but you don't want to pick up that "SIGNPOST". No problem! Choose the "TAKE" action, and the words "SPINACH" and "SIGNPOST" are there for you to fool around with. Easy, eh? Yes sir, it is!

I don't trust this shady man one bit.

So why haven't many NES players heard of this insane game? Apparently, the year is 1990, and everybody was playing Super Mario Bros. 3. That's simple enough for an explanation that could have been long and drawn out like I usually make my explanations. Like every other one of those point-and-click games, you advance through the game by solving many riddles, figuring out elaborate puzzles, and avoiding "the Farmies", whatever those are. The game makes reference to these things constantly and I've yet to know what they are, mainly because I forget half the objectives I'm supposed to do in this game, and mainly because everything looks so friggin' scary. It's like some dirty hippie is trippin' out in the middle of his garden of whatever will grow in the dirt. One minute you're about to contract herpes with some hairy whore with some name like "Moondust" and some other dirty hippie dude named "Rainbow" or something, and the next minute your lettuce patch is filming the scary orgy and selling it to the eggplants across town. I tell you, these hippies scare me every single waking our, slightly moreso than those dirty Commies in Cuba and those dirty Commies in North Korea, but only because these hippies are much closer to home, and you just know they have a hotline direct to the Kremlin.

Man, my head is going to explode!

Ratings

Graphics: 1.0 / 5.0
Sound: 0.5 / 5.0
Control: 4.5 / 5.0
Fun: 2.5 / 5.0

Graphics: Man, this game is trippy!
Sound: You know how sometimes, game music loops in a continuous cycle, and it has the sound quality of the average bad Casio-made MIDI file? This is a prime example.
Control: Very responsive and very little in error-making. However, there is no pointless fighting sequences. It's all pointing and clicking.
Fun: If you're high, perhaps.