 I So Mad I Fight Punk!
If there's one thing I know, it's ninjas. Since the dawn of time, ninjas have always been assassins of the night, running around urban settings, fending off thugs and birds, and upholding their family honor:   Ninjas tend to fight a lot. Also, unlike in the movies, ninjas don't know jack about stealth and secrecy. They run around in broad daylight hacking and slashing New York City's finest thugs, hooligans, and criminals. They can break overhead lanturns to make magical icons appear. They are also weak against anything that can fly. Much like a game of Pokemon, Ryu is weak against Flying-type enemies, but resistant to Bazooka-type attacks! It's what ninja's are trained to do when they turn 27 and are kicked out of their parent's basement. To fully understand the complex concepts of the ninja way, I have painstakingly built a diagram:  1. This is a ninja. Ninjas wear Sub-Zero outfits and run around making thugs and birds explode with their sword. They also do 72 flips in mid-air with every jump. They are crafty warriors. 2. This is a sign that says "Go!" It tells the ninja that in order to proceed, they must go. If real estate agents were to step on the signs, they collect $200 in Monopoly currency, unless they are going to jail. 3. This is a bar. Bars contain alcoholic beverages, alcoholics, booze hounds, town drunks, and Ted Kennedy. This bar also contains a big blind retard that wants to kill you for fun. I think it's just Ted Kennedy drunk and with a hockey mask on. Either that, or a lost Canadian hockey player, eh? 4. This is Mike Tyson. He was once the World Boxing Champion, before he was a rapist. Here he is walking to the bar (number 3) with boxing gloves on. 5. This is a Coke billboard. Coke used to have these plastered all over the poor parts of town so that drunks and bums can appreciate the simple pleasures in life, like Santa Clause Coke bottles, the New Coke, and Coke and Rum. Ninjas use these billboards to conceal their presence.
Sound: Soundtrack kicks, as it was made by ancient Japanese rock-and-rollers! They were kickin' it old school with Jimi Hendrix and Jerry Garcia, and don't forget that player, Falco! "Rock me, Amadeus!" Control: After all, ninjas need to move, even Ryu! A ninja needs not a mind, but a controller to enhance mission accomplishments! Plus, it's a lot easier than using your brain to move Ryu. Fun: As fun as this game is, it is also extremely difficult. Unlimited continues are a plus, but you can never seem to get past level 5-3. Darn the luck, darn!  |
Well, after you get the idea of what a ninja is like, you can test those new-found abilities against the evil Ted Kennedy disguised as Jason of Friday The 13th fame. The trick to defeating him is a complex one, and surviving this test against all odds is a difficult one. First off, Ted walks a little bit, for one second as he moves four pixels down the screen. Then he slashes at the air with his three pixel wide knife, then walks again. It's a never-ending pattern, and a sophisticated one at that, but if you realize that you move faster than he and if you realize that you don't have to stand right in front of his knife swipes, than you can be a ninja master, just like Rocky, Colt, and Tum Tum of 3 Ninjas fame!
In addition to fighting and hanging on to neon Coke signs, it is traditional to be rude to women, especially those that hang out at bars and weild tranquilizer guns. "Just girl! Get out here! I ninja!" Ryu states as he still thirsts for revenge for his father's mysterious ninja-related death. A compelling story unfolds as Ryu Hayabusa, super ninja, fights his way through overelaborate and extremely difficult levels of mind-altering gameplay. If you want a game that involves ninjas, Coke, Mike Tyson, and pig-headed male arrogance, then this is the game for you! Of course, you can always just grow up to be a real ninja, just like Ryu Hayabusa or Kid Niki or even the Black Manta!