Go Speed Racer, Go!
Okay, so it's been a long time coming, and now it's here. For better or worse, my review of the original game featuring everyone's favorite Capcom character, Mega Man. While you get to hear about five zillion different opinions about this game, you can just repress your ill-timed heavy sighs for some other horrible game, because yet again, you get to hear another opinion about this game, because I'm like that. Well, no, I won't let you suffer like that. Today, I'll just tell you all the things you WANT to hear, like why this game is better than all the later clone after clone versions, why the name Mega Man is about as original as the name Super Man and Bob, and why the hell I'm actually reviewing this game, because reviews on this game run rampant all over the God-forsaken wastes known as the Internet. So for the benefit of those with little a thought in their head, here is your humble correspondant's take on the Blue Bomber.
In closing, you fight off hoards of enemies, many little boy robots, and work your way to the ultimate goal of kicking the crap out of Dr. Wily. Oh, and Dr. Light also made a little girl robot, but all she is for is to clean the house. Good one, you perverted ol' bastard.
Sound: Well, it doesn't have any nasty sounds. That's good not to hear! Control: Mega Man walks around the world with those slick shoes Data from "The Goonies" keeps talking about. "Slick shoes!" Fun: Yeah, but I wish the pedophilia would stop.
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Anyhow, here's the quick overview. Dr. Light is a really smart scientist dude that wants to
create an army of little boy robots with theme abilities, such as Fire Man's theme ability over
fire, and Guts Man's theme ability over guts. I don't know about you, but if I ever met some
smart scientist dude that's making little boy robots, I'd think twice about his interests in
science. After all, constructing little boy robots with panties is not my idea of normal, so
for the rest of the review, I'm calling Dr. Light by my new nickname for him, "Old Mr. Pedophile,"
due to his fascination with little boy robots. Anyhow, his star pupil, Dr. Wily, is this really
evil old pedophile that manages to gain control of eight of his little boy robots in an attempt
to take over the world. And if you're wondering how having an army of little boy robots with
powers over ice and cut is of any help when conquering the world, remember that in the future,
man will be replaced by gay little robots with theme powers and the only humans will be old
nasty scientists that will create them, so get used to it. Anyway, Dr. Wily figures he can take
over the earth by locking these little boy robots up in storage rooms hidden in places that can't
be reached unless you're Super Man and are invincible to malaria and lava rock monsters. This
leaves me to wonder how a guy can take over the world by locking up little boy robots in the
most difficult of regions. Next time I want to take over the world, I'm building robots that
look like Mr. T out of buckets and sawdust, and store them inside of basements in the Harlem
ghettos all around, because if Dr. Wily can take over doing that, I can, too. So look out, world,
because my Mr. T bucketbots will come after your gold and kick your ass, old school!
So after Dr. Wily 'jacks (get it?) Dr. Light's little boy robots, Dr. Light sends out his
favorite little boy robot, the robot with the strapping blue panties, Mega Man. Mega Man has
the theme of being so mega. If you don't know what being mega is like, then pretend you're
Stone Cold Steve Austin, only you're not Stone Cold Steve Austin but instead a normal person.
Now you're mega! He's armed with two arms and two legs, and has a head attached to his shoulders
and don't forget the panties. Also, one of his hands turns into this funnel that shoots yellow
Pac-Man pellets at things. But even with all of these amazing attributes, Mega Man had some
problems in his early days. First off, the soles of his shoes were made out of Teflon, the
most non-stick substance known to cooks around the world. Second, he could never duck, leaving
him the most open target to bullets and missiles known to man. Third, he was a robot, so his
judgement is really poor, seeing as how he teleports himself three miles away from his destination.
I guess Dr. Light is either a poor shot or one of them mega pedophiles that like watching little
boys suffer for a bit before he goes for the... Ew... Anyway, Dr. Light is one sick bastard.