All these years of gaming, and I still don't get as bored as most people seeming do when they play the most redundant and asinine of gaming experiences. I'm sure many of you thought that, with the exception of Super Mario Bros. and to an extent Duck Hunt, most first generation NES games were uninspired pieces of crap to fill in the void for those that thought playing a game as an overweight Italian plumber that can moon jump over turtles, bottomless pits, and floating metallic boxes that are obviously radioactive and giving you cancer as we speak was for "kiddies" and all. It is an age old tradition that goes on to this day, with people still pulling the "kiddy/mature" card on games of the now. Or maybe I just made that up and it really didn't start happening until the invention of the Playstation. Whatever the case may be, the NES of yesteryear had many different tastes for many different people, because if people aren't entertained by the concept of a guy that doubles in size after touching a self-propelled mushroom, then perhaps they'd be amused by the prospects of, say, some Eskimo that beats seals to death with a hammer, or a game where you show kids how fun motorcycles can be when getting in a horrible bone-shattering crash can be walked away from with no disfiguring after effects. God bless the NES!

Thomas cannot reach Sylvia due to the massive amount of obstacles that are currently impeding his path. He is also having various muscle spasms and what appears to be a seizure.

Of course, one of those early games gratifies the many Karate Kid fans out there, with the classic arcade translation of Kung-Fu Masters, plain old Kung Fu. A mature title if I ever did see one, it showcases the usual martial arts film story premise by having a helpless female victim being tied to a chair for no reason by a man named "Mr. X", who is the most powerful being in the entire game due to the fact he is the only person in the entire game that can BLOCK attacks, blocking being a new, undiscovered ability that only the most evil of individuals can successfully pull off without their muscles inadvertantly falling off for no apparent reason. Enter Thomas, a man learned in the ways of the martial arts, thanks in large part to the fact that he is wearing white and has a proper name, in this case "Thomas", unlike other individuals in this game that go by the name of "Thug #215" or "Midget Fighter #54". Thomas has an impressive array of martial arts atttacks, which include but are not limited to the following: punching, kicking, and perhaps a little bit of jumping and crouching. Since he is also one of the few people in the game that has more than four total sprites made for his character, this automatically makes him tougher than other individuals, and is reflected by an energy bar at the top of the status screen, as well as the prerequisite three lives that all official video game characters were issued back in the day, as required by the Video Game Hero Law of 1882.

And ladies, Kung Fu doubles as a Yaoi title.

From the get-go, Kung Fu throws various enemies in front of you, to which you must fight with extreme prejudice that you learned from all of those classic World War II cartoons featuring Donald Duck as a nazi or Popeye punching the living crap out of short-sighted, buck-toothed Japanese soldiers. Oh, Axis forces, when will you ever learn? Combat consists of you pushing either A or B to execute a punch or kick, and if any extended appendage comes into contact with one of these baddies, they fall through the floor and out of existance, much like your average bad guy in any Steven Seagal movie. You can even execute ADVANCED attacks such as a jump kick, which involves your character doing a KICK while JUMPING! I didn't see Mario doing those kind of elaborate attacks on his enemies. All that fat bastard did was leap 20 feet in the air and sit/stomp on his hapless victims, making his pudgy bulk do the majority of the work, unless he was wearing a red shirt and white overalls, in which case he was more than likely throwing bouncing balls of fire at his victims in addition to leaping 20 feet in the air and so forth. While Thomas lacks any projectile attacks, some of his enemies have the ability to attack from a distance. These blue-clad guys threw knives at our hero, which flew in a straight line very slowly, unhindered by the complicated laws of gravity and the confusing concept of air friction. If you were able to duck under or jump over said knives, they would harmlessly pass through all other non-Thomas people, because wearing purple/pink gives you a +10 resistance bonus to flying metallic weapons.

This game is getting too kinky for me.

There are five bosses throughout this game, and you progress from one to the other, climbing higher and higher up the pagoda until you reach the final objective. Yes, it is a lot like the Bruce Lee movie (more or less, what it really should have been but never became) Game of Death. Each level consists of some guy with a crazy ass fighting style that tests your button mashing skills in the ultimate battle of wits and perhaps coordination. Of course, to reach said bosses, you have to fight through an army of generic throwaway enemies that do various attacks ranging from HUGGING the life out of you to abruptly bumping into you. In fact, a lot of the enemies don't do any sort of fighting whatsoever, unless you consider a midget doing a somersault bounce on top of your head while you're crouching a fighting maneuver. And on the second and fourth level, you have to avoid all the crazy obstacles that aren't really enemies because you can't fight that many of them. These range from "snake that bumps into your feet" to "magical dragon that breaths a wave of fire two inches in front of him before disappearing into a cloud of smoke". They aren't very good household defense mechanisms. Enough of that, though. Let's talk about the five bosses you must fight if you want to survive this GAME OF DEATH^tm!

Stick Fighter
	He fights with what appears to be either a stick, a summer sausage, or some unknown sex toy that I am currently not familiar with. He is dangerous because he swings at an approximate 45 degree angle from where his head is, meaning just enough to hit you on top of your head if you were standing straight up. Some call him lazy. I call him efficient. Sweep kick the crap out of him, or jump kick his face off.
Boomerang Fighter
	He throws boomerangs at you. That's really all he does. If you get within melee range of him, he won't throw a punch or anything, but he will throw two boomerangs at you. So what you'll want to do is avoid the boomerangs the first time, get close... You know, if I give you too many hints for this game, you'll beat it in under 10 minutes and lose interest completely, so bite me.
Giant
	Asides from being dressed like Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force and having a head that appears to be made out of a bowling ball, he is your stereotypical large black bouncer guy. If he hits you, you will lose most of your health, so don't get hit by him, obviously. Do not give him any fried chicken as a gesture of kindness, because he will call you a racist and proceed to shoot you with his Glock. His real name is Paul Wight, but don't let him know that you know that.
Black Magician
	He is a magician so obviously he has tricks up his sleeve. If you punch or kick him in the head, it will fall off, and then he'll disappear in a puff of smoke, then reappear. He throws all kinds of crap at you like fireballs and stuff. Don't forget to bring a Magic Resistance Potion to increase your resistance to all schools of magic by 50 for 3 minutes, and extra Greater Healing Potions in case your health gets too low. And have a rogue in your party.
Sagat
	Before facing the final boss, you have to face Sagat, the Muay Thai Emperor! He has a long standing grudge against Ryu because Ryu gave Sagat that scar on his chest. Look out for his Tiger Uppercut, because it will tear the crap out of you, and be aware of his cheap Tiger Shot projectile attacks, because the CPU will use it to trap you in a corner. Sagat is also famous for his role in Full House as Mr. Tanner.
Mr. X
	The man who kidnapped Sylvia for no apparent reason, Mr. X is much more dangerous than all of the other bosses, because otherwise Stick Fighter would be the final boss, and that would be stupid. Mr. X fights just like you, only he has the advantage in that he was taught the ancient art of blocking attacks. If you beat him, you are reunited with Sylvia, for at least 20 seconds, and then she'll get kidnapped again, and you'll have to start the game all over again, only with the difficulty slightly tweaked up. Just like in real life.

The game is a first generation title, and it shows, due to lack of graphics and sound and stuff. If it were 1985, and I were recommending a game other than Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt, I'd recommend Urban Champion. However, I'd recommend this game afterwards, because punching and kicking people is fun. Now for the super secret secret for everybody that tolerated this review long enough: down, down-forward, forward + punch will make you throw a Hadou Ken at your adversaries! Yep.

Ratings

Graphics: 2.0 / 5.0
Sound: 1.5 / 5.0
Control: 4.5 / 5.0
Fun: 4.5 / 5.0

Graphics: Or lack thereof. While not at the cutting edge of what the NES is capable of, at least you can identify stuff on-screen, unlike most games made by Ocean where the sprites and the background colors clash making it unable for you to tell the difference between background imagery or a usable platform that will keep you from falling down a pit.
Sound: Or lack thereof as well. There isn't really any music to this game, and sound effects are moot at best. Yes, I said "moot" and I don't know what it means. And I refuse to look it up.
Control: Easy to learn, yet hard to master. If you can't perform a Shoryuken at this point in your gaming career, you are in the wrong profession.
Fun: Mundane, repetitive gameplay. However, it is fun enough to warrant quick bursts of funitude. And you guys love quick game experiences, right? Yeah, I thought so.