 WILL SAVE YOU!
Play Data game of East. Is fun! Ever history in life has game good for kids and lesoons to be learn! Not believe I, you do? Is Mercury Crusader me! Is smart me! Teach life do I with NES broken of English words!
Done? Okay, so after fending off hoards of evil mime-ninjas, floating bird heads with flapping ears, and evil floating Albertson's shopping bags, you run across the evil and mysterious "Man Fat Is Head", who has the power to freak you out! After swinging your spinning sword at it a few times, you are greeted to the next screen: (WARNING: The following screen is so TUBULAR, you'll just be cool enough to stay in school!)
Sound: Is hurt me! Listeen no! For evil is scaredly! Control: Atta boy! Is wonderful me for control pad! Fun: Run! Will hide me! Is bad!  |
You're probably wondering what this game is about, right? Well, to be honest, not even my BRILLIANT VIDEO GAME KNOWLEDGE can tell you what the hell is going on here. In this amazing game, you control a TOTALLY RAD TO THE MAX ninja named Niki, as he or she bounces across the screen, screaming incoherent rambling and broken English. One day, Niki hangs out in the TOTALLY TUBULAR paper house, listening to the New Kids On The Block "Hang Tough" record, and reading an article about "Sixteen Candles", the hippest new movie around, when all of a sudden, a bird soars into the room and is shot with an arrow. Niki screams "WILL HELP YOU!" as he or she jumps through the paper wall, bounces outside, and thus the amazing adventure of a... Uh... Thing begins. Yes, not even I can tell what Niki is supposed to be. Maybe it's just an it, like when Square wants you to get a headache because they'll never tell you that Gogo is a man and Quina is really a toaster with plastic limbs and a fork.
Now, Niki decides to bounce in a circle across a bunch of places that are riddled with evil dezines of the underworld. Don't worry, though, because all TOTALLY AWESOME ninjas have a great spinning sword. He figured out how to build one after watching an old episode of the "G.I. Joe" cartoon, after seeing the Cobra helicoper blades spin around in a RADICAL fashion. And you, too, can build an amazing spinning sword! Take your Bryan Adams vinyl record (IMPORTANT: Make sure it's a Bryan Adams album and NOT a Don Henley album. It's easy to mistake them both, as they have the same voice.), a sword, some Elmer's Glue, a phonograph motor (phonograph means "record player"), and a song in your heart (Example: "Hangin' Tough!"). Glue your Bryan Adam's record to your right chest, and glue the sword to the record. Next, attach the motor to your thumb and start singing. Not only is this TOTALLY RADICAL, but you know it'll work. If MacGyver can build an airplane out of a lawnmower engine, a drinking straw, and three issues of U.S. Weekly, then I should know how to build a spinning sword much like Niki's spinning sword of RADness!
Kid Niki ain't just about being TOTALLY HIP, but also about killer mime-ninjas that walk into you! They get the same outfits from their "Mortal Kombat Palette Swap Ninja Catalog", and it's MONDO RAD! Dude, if you don't have your catalog yet, just call 1-800-IS-GOOD-2! And when you're done, don't forget to read the rest of this review.
"ATTA BOY! Is fun good me for saving of day intwo night!" And that's the story of Niki and the evil Man Fat Is Head. Don't stop there, though! Other evil monsters await, such as the sinister "Walk Man", the devilish "Mr. Purple Thumb", and the ever dangerous "Man With Pixel Body"! The quest never ends until Niki finally finishes his quest! If it succeeds, Niki will be rewarded with the brand new M.C. Hammer album "All Sold Out"! "Hammer of C.M! Is good!" So, whether you're a MONDO RADICAL DUDE, a BODACIOUS BABE, or a TOTALLY TUBULAR TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE, you can be sure to avoid this game, as your vocabulary is more valuable than three minutes of so-called RAD TO THE MAX gameplay.