Tremors (1989)

Photo of Sir Kevin Bacon, circa 17th Century England

The movie I will premier with reviewing is entitled Tremors, the cult classic sci-fi/horror/suspense/action/adventure/action-adventure/survival-horror/comedy/action-comedy/action-suspense-horror-action/action-action film about giant worms from the underground that eat people by using their mouths to chew them and using their stomachs to digest them. It's also about a not-so-young buck named Kevin Bacon, who portrays a handy-man who is not only a cowboy, but a handy-man as well. He hangs out with a dashing young Fred Ward, who portrays an old cowboy guy who is not only a handy-man, but an old cowboy. Along with a string of great characters such as the 15-year-old baseketball superstar and overall nogoodnik "Melvin," a pre-WB's-Reba Reba McEntire, an old guy playing the role of an old guy sitting on top of a power pole who is not only old, but also dead, and Grandpa, the crazy ninja grandpa from 3 Ninjas non-fame! With such an amazing all-star cast, how can anything go wrong? The answer: NOTHING! While most movie reviews will blatantly spoil old movies you'll probably never watch anyways, I will refrain from telling you the ending, which involves explosions and three simutaneous alien invasions from Mars, Jupiter, and Mexico.

The movie also stars a post-Family Ties Michael Gross, who plays what is possibly the greatest role in any movie in the history of existance, right next to the Evil Dead Trilogy's Bruce Campbell persona, Ash, and Charles Bronson's Paul Kersey from the ever-popular Death Wish Pentilogy, the all-powerful, ever-great, supermanish superman man, Burt Gummer! Burt Gummer is a gun-fanatic who loves guns, ammo, guns loaded with ammo, ammo inside of guns, explosives, explosions, exploding explosions, and guns loaded with exploding explosion ammo. He enjoys shooting, preparing, eating MREs (Meals-Ready-to-Eat), and killing things that kill people, like other people or giant worms that eat people. Keep note on this character, because the entire Tremors trilogy revolves around his antics. I just realized that was a spoiler right there, by telling you Burt Gummer will be in every Tremors movie, thus saying he won't die in this movie. It's not like you're gonna watch it, anyway.

Picture taken from E!, so you know it's inaccurate. Notice how I scribbled on the picture with the help of MS PAINT! I'm so cool!

The table above is, in fact, cold, hard, facts, possibly made out of ice or sheet metal that is cold. Numbers indicate as follows:
1. The E! Online rating. It was too low, so I improvised. MS PAINT #1!
2. Seeing as how the movie has been around since 1989, and seeing as how movie theaters always play new movies, I was suprised to hear that this movie is in theaters now...
3. ...even though it's been on video for over a decade now...
4. ...and even more knowledge, as my copy of Tremors on DVD does not exist!
5. Pointing to the name "E! Online," which is a mark of intelligence in the world of entertainment.

Tremors, on DVD, just like E! Online said! Notice the voodoo language this site talks in. It translates into a non-English language.

I don't know about you, but knowing now that my copy of Tremors on DVD doesn't exist, my DVD player, a Playstation 2, has just exploded into five pieces, three of which exploded into one piece, while the other two exploded into five pieces of one. And I just lost my eyesight.

Anyhow, the basic plot is as follows. Giant killer worms from outer space are believed to be not from outer space, but from a nuclear fallout involving a lizard turning into a giant dragon-lizard that knocks down Tokyo daily, a moth that turns into a giant moth accompanied by two pygmy women that talk in unison, and the illness of a couple million Russians near run-down nuclear power plants. Tremors, however, is not about this, as it is about giant worms called "graboids" that have been around for a million-billion-zillion years, yet have never been discovered until 1989, when, after not eating for a million-billion-zillion years, decide that their stomachs are empty because they haven't eaten. So, like most hungry people, the graboids go on a mass human eating spree, chomping on anything that moves above ground, like humans and non-human living things. Blah, blah, blah, and Kevin Bacon decides something must be done, because the only thing he hates more than not making money from a movie he's working on is being eaten by a graboid.

This movie is rated PG-13 for gun use, graboids eating humans, and Kevin Bacon. It's a fun-filled romp into exciting situations, and the unbelievable mystery ending involving the U.S. Government and the American Dental Association should not be even known about until you've seen this movie from beginning to end!