Phantasm (1979)

Artist's conception of a phantasm.

While many horror movies revolve around the time-honored tradition of having an actual plot to back-up the many grizzly Tom Savini-ish death sequences that many horror fanatics love so much, it is the classical horror movie called Phantasm that proves you don't need an education to write a story at all! All you need is $5, actors that'll work for cheap, red liquid known as "Fool's Blood," and metal balls. Yes, metal balls. Not THOSE KIND of metal balls, you sick freak! I'm talking the army surplus kind that flies when propelled by a long cannon-shaped tube that is powered by gunpowder and was frequently used in the Civil War. I think the device was called "The Cannon-Shaped Tube That Launched Flying Metal Balls Into The Air During The Civil War." And I believe Microsoft now owns the name and device, so expect this site to go down in about a week when Bill Gates pays himself $1,000,000,000 to hack into NES Horsemen and destroy any trace of Microsoft bashing. And I'd sue him for that, were it not for the fact that Microsoft owns the patent on law. Damn that crazy Microsoft Monopoly and damn his Community Chest!

Unlike most other horror movies, Phantasm and it's special brand of killing and reanimation of dead things has no real plot whatsoever, no matter how smart in the field of Horrorology you are in. Even if you have a PhD in Horrorography, the entire premise of Phantasm revolves around the fact that you can make a movie about a really tall man named "Tall Man" (played by Angus Scrimm, who is famous for his role as "Tall Man" in the movie Phantasm 2) who goes from small town to small town looting graveyards and turning the rotted corpses into one of three things, which I will list in vivid detail:

A flying metal ball, ready to kill (or possibly ready for bed)!

Flying Metal Balls - these are made out of metal, a substance that is metallic, in the shape of a ball, that has the ability to fly in such areas as "the air." Inside each ball is the brain of a corpse, because worms don't like chewing on the sweet, sweet juices of a brain. Flying Metal Balls also make blades and crap come out of them, which primes them up to kill anything that isn't dead, such as the living.
Midgit Monks - sometimes corpses don't get crammed into Flying Metal Balls. Sometimes Tall Man just crams corpses inside their own bodies, in turn shrinking them. He also gives them a snazzy robe to wear. These are known as Midgit Monks, and their mission is to be short and undead. Think of Yoda, only dead, not green, and not a muppet.
Anything - if Tall Man thinks he has enough short useless midgits and Flying Metal Balls, he will in turn just make whatever the hell he wants, ranging from a zombie to a not-so-zombie-ish zombie.

WARNING! The following image above is graphic, violent, and graphically violent! If you have a weak stomach, well then, I guess it's too late. Sorry for not giving you the heads up. GET IT? "Heads up?" It's a joke! See, his head is caught with a metal ball!

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Mercury Crusader, what goes great with toast?" My answer is "butter." You might also be thinking "Mercury Crusader, does the Tall Man just kill people without opposition throughout the entire series of Phantasm movies?" Well, that answer is "no." See, Tall Man has opposition in the form of a pre-teen kid named Mike, who is played by Michael Baldwin, who may or may not be related to the (in)famous Baldwin family, such as Alec Baldwin and Carrot Top. He is the main force behind the elimination of the Tall Man. Mike is the Luke Skywalker to Tall Man's Skeletor; Hamtaro to his Dynamite Hack; Woodstock '69 to his Woodstock '99. However, Mike is not alone in his quest to use the good side of the force against the down side of Tall Man's schwartz! He is joined in his quest by local ice cream man, Reggie, played by Reggie Bannister. I know, all the actors have the same first name as their characters, and there is a good reason for it. Lack of ideas. Don't forget Jody, Mike's brother, played by Bill Thornbury, and Weena Mercator as "The Hopping Woman." With this non-all-star cast, the Flying Metal Balls don't stand a chance, mainly because they don't stand; they float.

This movie is rated R for extreme amounts of violence, blood, and gore. It is also considered a cult classic by many of today's hip cults, including the cult that Charles Manson controlled, and that main distributor of death-causing cult drinks, Draino. Is it worth buying? Only if you have money to buy it. Otherwise, you don't have money, so you can't buy it, and the only alternatives are to ask your parents or to go on a shoplifting spree.