Bubba Ho-Tep (2003)

As far as nerds, geeks, and pasty white guys go, I don't fit the bill too well. Not only am I half-Filipino, thereby disqualifying me from such prestigious organizations like the Ku Klux Klan and those gay skinhead dudes with the million piercings and the like, but I am also not as knowledgeable in such important topics that nerds love to talk about, such as bump-mapping and Babylon 5. If there is one thing nerdy about me, then there must be at least ten other nerdy things about me by default, which is a strange mathematical equation that I can't possibly understand right now in fear that my brain will just melt and flow out of my ear like some kind of molten liquid, and that would probably suck since I need it to learn. My big nerdy characteristic, besides video games and running a crappy website, is that I watch B-movies constantly, and besides Tremors, I am a big fan of the Evil Dead trilogy. Bruce Campbell might not get the big roles like Danny Glover or Danny Elfman or even Danny Glover, but he does have a huge fanbase with all the nerds, such as myself.

I'm hungry for some drugs.
Elvis Presley sans a bitchin' chainsaw hand.
Recent movies have been rather boring, with only a few noticables being on the up-and-up, and by that I mean they're really campy and cheesy and make critics cringe. Freddy vs. Jason was one of those movies. Here, we had the dream of every American nerd and horror enthusiast fulfilled: a battle between two of the most recognizable horror icons! Of course, this isn't about that already-awesome. This is about another recent movie, albeit an independant film only released in select theaters and just recently being released on DVD. Normally, my opinion on independant films is not all that good. It is usually an outlet for disgruntled college students to make some film about how McDonalds tears up five zillion acres of rain forest so they can kill all the world, or why Republicans are really evil because they are rich and old and traditional, and we all know that traditions are out and underground punk-emo is in. It marks you as an individual, not as a conformist, when you wear all black and listen to nothing but Radiohead, and if you anything else, you are an evil Capitalist. I'm getting lost in the translation, which I think is the title of a movie, but I wasn't paying attention yet again. Anyways, this movie I'm reviewing... What was it? Oh... Starring the awesomeness of Bruce Campbell and the coolness of Ossie Davis, here comes Bubba Ho-Tep to kick the crap out of every other movie of 2003!

BLARG I AM DEAD!
Elvis Presley's arch-nemesis, a mummy. I swear I'm not making this up!
Based on some short story by Joe R. Lansdale that I've never heard of, Bubba Ho-Tep is the amazing life story of Elvis Presley. Apparently, he never died. He swapped places with an Elvis impersonator years before his alleged death just so he could take a break. However, the impersonator died, and Elvis was stuck being an impersonator, which is really awkward when you have to impersonate yourself impersonating yourself. Whatever. Point is, he got old, went to a retirement home, and has been living there since. He hangs out with a guy who thinks he is John F. Kennedy, only he is a black dude. Yes, JFK apparently was kidnapped by some government officials and was "dyed this color". Hahaha, comedy gold! If you are confused, well then listen to this: the film is directed by Don Coscarelli. Yes, the same Don Coscarelli that made the Phantasm series, which is the king of horror movie nonsense. Everything is on the level so far, and this film certainly looks like crap, but if you know me, I'm going to praise the living hell out of this movie.

So Elvis and JFK are living in this retirement home in Texas, and everything is going great, except that Elvis apparently has cancer on his pecker, and he has a bad hip, and he is really old. However, all this doesn't stop the King from doing what he loves to do: sleep a lot. It seems like the perfect life, especially for a lazy ass like myself who likes to do a whole lot of nothing all the time, but not all is what it seems in the sunny, depressing world that is the retirement home. Everything is great, until people start mysteriously dying from mysterious ways, mysteriously, of course. Most think it is old age turning these people into corpses, but as they soon find out there is a mummy running skulking around the retirment home consuming the souls of the elderly. And because Elvis and JFK are the main characters in this movie, they figure they have to combat the evil Egyptian creature. If I just lost you there, I want to make sure we are clear on the premise of the film, so let me reiterate:

Bring it
ELVIS PRESLEY AND JFK FIGHT AN EGYPTIAN MUMMY IN A TEXAS RETIREMENT HOME!
Now that I have lost all of you, let me continue with the review. The movie has won a ton of independant film awards for being an innovative horror/comedy mix with so much fun time happyness that your head will burst like a watermellon at a Gallagher performance. I don't want to spoil the movie too much, but if you are a Bruce Campbell fan, you can expect the usual Bruce Campbell quality performance quotas such as falling down and witty one-liners that are very quotable and likable, because everybody thinks Bruce is the bomb! So what are you waiting for? Get your happy ass over to a movie rental place, or buy the DVD! I guarantee you will either love this movie or hate me even more!

NES Horsemen Movie Rating:
3 out of 4 Insane Movie Idea Premises.

"They dyed me this color!"