Analysis of "Yu-Gi-Oh!"

One of the most recent endeavors in America earning yet another butchered anime is the action-packed family program known as "Yu-Gi-Oh!" It's about a young goth named Yugi as he challenges people at random to games of "Duel Monsters", a really bad collectible card game, with less stragety than "Magic: The Gathering" and "Pokemon" but at the same time more dark and demented and stuff. If "MTG" wasn't dark enough for you, then "Yu-Gi-Oh!" will satisfy your razor-blade-filled dreams with black roses and black fingernail polish. I've been watching the show for about a few months, and the things I've seen will scare you white, unless you're white, in which it'll scare you Mexican. Today, I will analyze the popular kids' show, with a total unbiased opinion. By the way, it sucks that the "Yu-Gi-Oh!" card game is more popular than "Pokemon", because "Yu-Gi-Oh!" sucks!

Analysis #1: Goths

Character name is Yami Yugi, also known as "Goth Man"!

If ever there was a show tailor-made for crazy ass goths, it's this show. The main character, Yugi Moto, or "Yugi Mutou" if you are one of those "otaku" that hates it when a character is refered to by his American name. I swear, I don't care what his name is, so why should a whole group of crazed anime fanatics care if I call THE GREATEST FIGHTER EVER either "Hercule" or "Mr. Satan"? This ain't about anime fanatics, though. This is about goths. I mean LOOK AT HIM! Goth, gay, or both? Personally, I think gay and goth are one in the same. Plus, the overall theme to the show is dark. The game of "Duel Monsters" looks like a Wiccan's dream game. With demons and death running rampant, it's no wonder Yugi and everybody in the show is warped beyond imagination. Even Seto Kaiba, big-wig business owner of some company that makes magical computers that display giant monsters in hologram form is in on the whole "goth craze", as his little "Dueling Platforms" or "Dueling Discs" or whatever the hell they're called is like playing an electronic version of the card game, only people die more frequently from all the explosions and crap that the holographic monsters dish out. Kaiba is a glutton for pain, and I'm not suprised if he cuts himself in the wrist because it gives him pleasure. Let us not forget "The Ghouls" or "Rare Hunters" or whatever they're called. They are the "Team Rocket" of the show, only instead of being happy-go-lucky criminals with a Wile E. Coyote complex, they wear dark purple capes and have body piercings and other ungodly things wrong with them. What more can you say? This show took a nose-dive for the worst.

Analysis #2: Evil Americans

Bandit Keith: American champion of Duel Monsters. As an American, he enjoys cutting down rainforests and he loves credit cards and guns.

Nothing says "I hate America" more than having an anime character not only being American in nationality, but also being evil. One of the characters goes by the name of Bandit Keith, who is probably the second-coolest character in the entire show (the first being Tea Gardner). In the American edited version, Bandit Keith is the "Intercontinental Champion" of Duel Monsters. However, in Japan, he is the American champion of Duel Monsters. Because he is an American, he is automatically a bad guy, uses dirty tricks, brandishes a gun, and has an arrogant attitude. Anti-American show, isn't it? I know a lot of the folks in Internetland are anti-American, what with all the crazy ideas running around, like "Socialism" and the "European Union" and "Al Gore in 2004", but in reality, Americans kick ass, so there! Even though Bandit Keith is a bad guy in the show, he is without a doubt awesome! He is like the Ric Flair of Duel Monsters! We don't get enough guys like him in animes, so we need to be thankful that we get a bad guy like him and not another Sephiroth-like goth bad guy that looks fruity. Still, this proves that either Japan hates America still or that the guy who created "Yu-Gi-Oh!" hates America. On another note, America kicks ass! Don't thread on me, bitch! White power! Er... Cross that last statement off. The character of Bandit Keith is shrouded in mystery. All we know is that he is an evil American, much like all Republican Americans, so therefore he must be a bad guy. You can tell he is American in the Japanese version because he speaks fluent Japanese and wears a bandana with an American flag pattern on it. Good gravy, he is so evil! When I grow up, I want to be just like him!

Analysis #3: Drama over a card game?

Card games are XTREME, much like skateboarding, snowboarding, surfboarding, and chessboarding!

If you've watched the show before, chances are you've noticed all the DRAMA that surronds the card game. Ever since that show, whenever I play a game of MTG, I like to break off into dialogue about the end of the world as I summon a GOBLIN LACKEY, with it's AWESOME POWER of being a 1/1 RED CREATURE WITH THE POWER TO THROW OUT EVEN MORE SMALL GOBLINS! Plus, I light fire crackers left over from the last 4th of July in the middle of the table to simulate a Duel Monsters game. The average game of Duel Monsters in the show runs for about +30 minutes, with about two minutes of actual card game play and over +50 hours of stupid dialogue and stories about how the world is going to end and how Republicans are the source of all evil and other nonsense. I started playing the card game of "Yu-Gi-Oh!" a few months back, and was disappointed with the lack of explosions and drama and gun-pointing in the game. To summarize a more recent experience, after I lost a game, I threatened him with some hex and got kicked out of the comic book store. Long story short, I'll get even with that little bastard! If you haven't noticed, the show and the card game clash with each other in regards to the card game's rules. In Japan, they have a sturdy system of intricate rules. In the American translation, the rules are horribly botched because of the translations. And in the TV show, everybody makes up crap as they go along. It is as though they are playing Monopoly, only you are rolling dice to see if your Consitutions can withstand evil magic.

Analysis #4: Deadly art of POINTING!

This is a gun, one of many you won't see in the animated smash hit, "Yu-Gi-Oh!"

Finally, the most hilarious thing about the show? In Japan, the bad guys often brandish firearms such as "boomsticks" and "shooting irons" and sometimes they have "guns" and "ammo", but not the publication known as "Guns & Ammo". And they point guns at people... A lot. Now, when translated in the United States of Canadia or whatever country you may be residing in right now, the guns were cleverly removed from people's hands. The result? You'll see goons POINTING at GOOD GUYS with their FINGERS like little Billy down the street does when he is playing a game of Cowboys and Native Americans. And the dialogue is condensed to clever conversations, such as "hold it right there, Kaiba!" and "bang, bang! I got you! You're dead, Tommy!" At least with Pokemon, they just cut the episodes featuring guns. It seems strange when a little kid sees a slew of corporate goons brandishing their hands as though they can kill somebody like a Super Saiyan 43 much like Yajirobe can.

And there you have it. The show is a hit, the card game is a hit, it's just too bad that the card game and show suck horribly. Otherwise, I highly recommend this show to anybody wanting to see the dark gothic art of pointing. One final note: Tea Gardner is hot.