NES Horsemen's
SpaceWorld 2001 Coverage

Close your eyes and think about a magical holiday. Not just a day, but a series of days. Think about a time of year where people gather all around to worship a set ideal, and with the power of gift-giving and other worldly goods, the world becomes a place of great and divine prosperity. Think for a minute of how that magical time of year would affect your life, and the life of all that shared that time.

You're either thinking of Haunukah or the Labor Day weekend. That's why, for all intensive purposes, Nintendo made SpaceWorld, their version of a magical time of year, where all the people gather around, eating Lays Potato Chips, drinking Diet Dr. Pepper, and playing video games with their greasy hands. Touching a controller in that event was like touching a Burger King wrapper. A magical time of year nonetheless, and NES Horsemen was able to venture to the House on the Rising Sun. Then we found out that the House on the Rising Sun was actually jail, and to avoid prison-related shower accidents, we went to the real location: The Land of the Rising Sun, aka Japan, or Nippon or Nihon to some of you out there. It was there we embarked on a trying mission: To find out what SpaceWorld is like.

We assembled a crack team. It consisted of the webmaster, Mercury Crusader, who types this article in black, and Yajirobe, our X-Box correspondant, who will type in green. In a Metal Gear fashion, unlike a Metal Gear Solid fashion, we brought along essential supplies for survival in Japan. The list goes as follows:

1 - Box Of Matches
2 - Flashlights
20 - Cans Of Tuna
5 - Can Openers
5 - 24 Packs Of RC Cola
2 - Loaves Of Bread
1 - Bottle Of Asprin
1 - Weezer CD
1 - Duran Duran CD
1 - CD Player
17 - Paper Clips
3 - Rubber Bands
1 - Shirt With The Words "I Voted For Buchanan"
20 - AA Batteries

After three hours of preparation, we decided not to bring all of the listed supplies. Instead, we went straight to a harbor in California. The relative ease of stealing a boat is a joke. With constant power outs and lack of law enforcement, we "borrowed" a boat and went straight to Japan in hopes of covering the event!

Trip To Japan

While we never did see any Dark Water that can kill us in mere seconds, we did see an oil spill. What was thought to be a cargo ship with it's hull ripped to shreds by a coral reef turned out to be a garbage barge filled with unsold McDonalds quarter-pounders, fries, and leftover cooking oil. Nonetheless, the wildlife suffered, and if the sea were as hot and bubbly as a deep-fat fryer, we can actually EAT those fish that floated up from the bottom of the sea. I saw albacore and dolphin alike both float to the top as though a fishing fanatic dynamited the very area. Yajirobe went on to say "Where's the breading?"

We were near an island in Micronesia, and were soon shot at with assault rifles from the coastline. Using the binoculars we didn't bring, we assumed they were Muslum fanatics that were on an anti-American attack. Then we thought they were the ancestors of lost Japanese sailors back in World War II, who still think the war is going on, like on that one episode of "Gilligan's Island". Upon closer inspection, they turned out to be French tourists who hated American tourists. Go figure.

Before The Event Started

Landing at a dock somewhere, Yajirobe hijacked two tricycles from some guy's backyard. And off we went to SpaceWorld!

Moving at a blazing 1 MPH, or in metric terms, 5 zillion macrograms per gigawatt, we were often yelled at by the locals. Maybe it's because we drove on the wrong side of the road. OR DID WE? Hmmm... Right side or left side? That's the question. On any account, we yelled "Sumimasen" in an angry voice. I guess that meant "Sorry", because they were all sympathetic afterwards. They even gave me some Yen to get by. It helps to dress like an American bum in Japan.

Pre-Show

We had no idea how to read it. Fortunately, that barge filled with McDonald's crap had a map of the building. We copied it onto a clean sheet of paper, and we now had a great map of the place:

So it goes down like this. The red indicates a door. Blue indicates the fuzz. Green indicates where the games are located. Dark gray equals food areas. That pink-looking color... I have no idea. And the cyan has stuff in it. Either it was a real map to SpaceWorld, or a McDonald's Mat Maze, like the one you get from a Happy Meal. Either way, it smelt like apple pie and plastic toys.

First thing at the event was to venture the food. A wide selection of crap that no one wants to eat. Well, it was getting obvious that bringing cans of tuna was a great idea after all. Well, what do I know? I'm just a simple sandwich man. So our ad agency said we should find celebrities to make our trip more exciting for the readers. Hence, we went looking for whoever was in that pink area on the map.

Well, all I could find were two stoners hanging out by the restrooms talking to a fat dude about a "fatty boom batty blunt". Getting nowhere, I left them to their bombastic blunt bong-a-thon. I guess Yajirobe was still looking for food. I wasn't sure at this time, because I was heading straight for the games. The mission? Just to get away from the fatty boom batty blunt pot heads. I really should avoid movie locations, especially those that have support characters like Jay and Silent Bob.

We were to set up camp either at the parking lot or inside the building itself. Security then threw us out of the building, as Yajirobe set up the tent right next to security. Officer Bubba kick me in the head as I was thrown out, saying something like "Purple Monkey Dishwasher". I didn't understand, because my head was bleeding at a rapid rate. Thankfully, we decided to bring a Napster T-Shirt and use it to stop the blood loss.

I used my amazing powers of typing to find a laptop and begin typing random garbage about how we didn't know what was going on. After five minutes of typing, it turned out the laptop wasn't a laptop, but a Pocket Monsters Trading Card Game Vending Machine. I got a Lapras! It has Sing and Surf! And because it was so glossy, I used it to pick the lock on the machine and steal all of the cards within. This is important for later. Anyway, we also found some red paint. I painted a big R on the machine. The police will definately be baffled, unless they see us walking down the street with a bunch of Pocket Monster Cards...

Day 1: The First Day, Duh!

Day one consisted of me trying to listen in on the press conference. As was expected, Officer Bubba chased me off the premesis. Off to them pot heads to find out what to do now...

Jay said something to the effect of "run at Bubba Wolverine style, hit him with a GameCube controller, double-backflip over the press, land on a folding chair, listen in on the conference, then we smoke a bowl". I left them, saying their plan sucked. Silent Bob was trying to lift a trash can with his mind. I was clueless.

According to computers everywhere with internet capabilities, the new Legend of Zelda game for the GCN was to be cel shaded. Basically, that means it'll look like a controllable cartoon. Anglo Saxon-related gamers went on a tangent, saying it wasn't "mature". Conversations often turned into fights, as a guy from IGN got into a fight with someone from VGF. The result was a double disqualification due to use of a burning paper bag with poo inside of it. Experts speculate that it may have been the result of a drunken binge.

Third day(I decided to go backwards, third to first.)Me and The Merc didn't want to go home empty handed so we walked off with 5 gamecubes with no games and controller.

Ignore him. He doesn't know what he's talking about...

Most of the people you meet at Spaceworld look like they're stuck in a sci-fi convention. If Leonard Nimoy or Shiguru Miyamoto were to appear, the place would be as noisy as a Bon Jovi concert during the mid-80s. Case in point, to your right is a picture of Fan Boy from the hit WB show "Freakazoid". If they ain't carrying around Mr. Spock action figures, they're brandishing Super Mario Kart underwear outside of their pants, or an NES controller for a belt and Zapper in their holster, much like Kevin from "Captain N: The Game Master". That very show taught us all that if you're playing Mega Man II, and Eggplant Wizard appears out of nowhere to throw Pac Man pellets at the Blue Bomber, hit "Pause" on your NES controller belt. That way, you can run around like an idiot, screaming "I paused the game!" until Officer Bubba beats you to a bloody pulp. Yes, SpaceWorld is full of love...

Apparently, Yajirobe was doped out of his gourd by this time. "FATTY BOOM BATTY!" echoed throughout the building as he ran from bathroom to ventilation shaft. He tripped on a GameCube controller and accidentally hit Officer Bubba, knocking him out cold. By this time, Jay and Silent Bob were gone, seeing as how they had a movie to premier. Plus, because of quasi-legal reasons I can't explain right now, NES Horsemen's use of the characters "Jay" and "Silent Bob" infringed on Judiciary Act 23.454.69, which states "NES Horsemen is forbidden to shout out the phrase FATTY BOOM BATTY BLUNT in an open crowd. Oh, and you're copyright infringing." The law was written by a very drunk Rob Reiner, who played that Liberal meathead "Mike Stivic" on the hit 70s TV show "All In The Family". Afterwards, it was reported that he, along with Ted Kennedy, played quarters with Gary Condit at the famous "Watergate Bar" in Queens, NY.

We never actually got to play any of the games, so we made one up. Here it is:

NES Horsemen's "Maze Of SpaceWorld" is a fun game for up to four players. You can save the pic and print it out. The object of the game is to enter the Gauntlet II-like EXIT using a writing utensil such as a pen to draw a line from your starting point to the exit. The players are: yours truly, Mercury Crusader, with a tire iron as a weapon; X-Box correspondant, Yajirobe, with a sword as a weapon; SpaceWorld security, Officer Bubba, with a gun as a weapon; and a random hobo we found in the parking lot, with a shopping cart. Here are some hints to win at this great game. Don't use a pen -- they're hard to erase. Try not to get caught in dead ends -- they make you lose. And above all else, don't play as Officer Bubba unless you want a REAL challenge. We set up a booth to sell these games to the general public, but Officer Bubba woke up, and we had to split. I sold an amazing zero games, while Yajirobe ran around. While everyone was waiting for Nintendo stuff, many wanted to play the amazing game I made with an MS Paint program and a whole lot of scribbling.

Day one sucked. Day two will be better.

Day Two: FATTY BOOM BATTY!

By this time, online message boards around the world went into chaos over the new Zelda look. People burned down EZBoard.com in defiance. UBB was hacked by Chinese psychic forces. And William Shatner released another album while Fan Boys all around where too busy tipping over ice cream trucks.

Everyone else was talking about some new GameCube games. I wasn't paying attention. While everyone was too busy making revolutionary changes in technological advances, Yajirobe and I developed an idea. It went like this:

Mercury Crusader: "Hey, Yajirobe! Do you like Popeye?"

Yajirobe: "No."

Mercury Crusader: "Do you like Wimpy?"

Yajirobe: "Yeah."

Mercury Crusader: "I do, too. That's why we are making The Wimpy Burger!!!"

Yajirobe: "Isn't that copyright infringement?"

Mercury Crusader: "As most people know, whenever Wimpy eats a hamburger, it never vanishes. He can take five hundred bites out of it, yet it always has only one bite. It's an infinite food source! And cartoons don't lie!"

Yajirobe: "Just look at this comic strip..."

Mercury Crusader: "That's my line, stupid! Read yours!"

Yajirobe: "Shut up! Let's see the comic!"

By this time, people were amazed at the new idea for an infinite burger. They thought that it would be great! But by that time, Officer Bubba threw us out of the building again. This is starting to suck.

That's when we exact our revenge. Well, the next day, anyway.

Day Three: Threedom = Freedom!

By this time, Yajirobe stops typing his opinions. Basically, he can't type. Oh, well.

As he stated earlier, we ran away with GameCube stuff.

Above: Yajirobe and Mercury Crusader running away from an angry mob.

Not Pictured: Mercury Crusader, angry mob, Japan, GameCube stuff, and everything else we listed.

And that's your SpaceWorld coverage. Let's take some questions.

Guy 1: "Why didn't you talk about any new games?"

M.C.: "I did. Check the maze above."

Guy 2: "Why were Jay and Silent Bob there?"

M.C.: "What am I? A psychic?"

Guy 3: "Yajirobe, why didn't you write a lot?"

M.C.: "I'll answer that since he's too busy listening to his Weezer and Linkin Park CDs. Basically, he was too busy listening to his Weezer and Linkin Park CDs."

Guy 4: "Why does this site suck?"

M.C.: "No comment. That's all for this years coverage! Hope you all had fun!"