Super Smash Bros. Melee |
 B: Fireball B+Up: Super Jump Punch B+Down: Mario Tornado B+Forward: Cape | Mama mia! It's that fat Italian dude from all them old NES games! Mario makes his appearance in this game as Nintendo's way of saying "he ain't never gonna leave your friggin' brains"! Most of this plumber's attacks are punches and kicks. There's really nothing that funny about him, besides the fact that he is fat. His fireballs hurt like a bee sting, his tornado makes him dizzy, the cape deflects stuff, and that jumping punch ruins your nads if you're in mid-air. Look out, world! There's a fat plumber that's gonna rock your world! Rating: 3.0/5.0 - He's just average. Leave it at that. |
 B: Thunder Jolt B+Up: Quick Attack B+Down: Thunder B+Forward: Skull Bash | Pikachu! Yes, even Pokemon make an appearance in this game. Despite all the anti-Pokemon Libs that wanted them to never appear, lo and behold, they appeared. If you really want to do something, attack Hasbro. They love taking fads and screwing with them. Anyway, Pikachu can burn the ass hair off anybody stupid enough to try to take it head-on. It's Thunder Jolt is like a Slinky. You know, that fun and wonderful toy? The Quick Attack is really quick, and kind of hurts. Thunder comes from the sky and hurts like a bitch. And Skull Bash aims straight for the family jewels (yes, another crude testicle joke). Pikachu has it all! Rating: 4.0/5.0 - His surfboard is bitchin'! |
 B: Fire Breath B+Up: Whirling Fortress B+Down: Bowser Bomb B+Forward: Koopa Klaw | He's big, he's slow, he's a flaming mofo! He's Bowser, ready and able to kick the trash out of anyone standing in his fat ass way! Unlike in Super Mario Bros., he can't throw Hammer Bros. hammers or anything cool like that, so they just threw together a few moves to make up for it. His Fire Breath is a weak version of a Fire Flower. The Whirling Fortress tears ass all over the place! The Bowser Bomb busts skulls open like a bad mother. And the Koopa Klaw is just a grab, or something. Look out, because he's a slow one. Rating: 2.5/5.0 - Slow, easy-to-hit, and did I mention slow? |
 B: Toad B+Up: Peach Parasol B+Down: Vegetable B+Forward: Peach Bomber | For the ladies, perverted men, and queers, Peach brings something new to the Smash community: a woman without a unisex battle suit on. Unlike other characters, Peach has mad air! Holding the jump button, she hovers for about three seconds. In fact, she's basically like her old Super Mario Bros. 2 self. Toad is a whiny bitch that does nothing but block attacks. The Parasol gives her even more mad air! She can pull Vegetables out of nowhere and toss them at people. And the Peach Bomber is only her tackling someone with her butt. If you're into that kind of thing, go for it. Rating: 3.0/5.0 - There's nothing under her dress. I, uh, someone checked. |
 B: Egg Lay B+Up: Egg Throw B+Down: Yoshi Bomb B+Forward: Egg Roll | Yoshi! He's one of the most awesome characters in the game! He has one of the coolest taunts around! And if you let him hold a parasol, let him float in the air! He looks so cute! Show him to some chicks! You'll melt their hearts with it, and then you can cop a feel... I mean, go on a date or something. Anyway, the Egg Lay is basically your "Yoshi eat bad man" attack. The Egg Throw is just that: an egg throw. The Yoshi Bomb is the speedier version of the Bowser Bomb. And the Egg Roll is perfect for running over slow-moving pedestrians. "YOSHI!" Rating: 5.0/5.0 - Yoshi rocks! |
 B: Giant Punch B+Up: Spinning Kong B+Down: Hand Slap B+Forward: Headbutt | Another slow-moving wonder, Donkey Kong has been around since the early arcade days. Donkey Kong used to throw barrels and stuff, and kidnap chicks, and act all cool. Now he's another lame ass slow dude with nothing going for him. His Giant Punch takes an hour to charge. The Spinning Kong is basically the slower and heavier version of the Whirling Fortress Bowser has. The Hand Slap is awesome if your opponent ever forgets how to jump. And the headbutt is your run-of-the-mill stun attack that lasts for a split-second. Overall, Bowser is probably a safer bet. Rating: 1.0/5.0 - His slow ass can't do jack! |
 B: Falcon Punch B+Up: Falcon Dive B+Down: Falcon Kick B+Forward: Raptor Boost | He never stepped out of his car, until now. Well, he stepped out during the first Super Smash Bros. game, but whatever. He originally has no moves other than to accelerate and hit the brakes, but Nintendo made up some moves for this guy and expected us to like him more. Personally, they could have put that guy from Excitebike or that guy from Mach Rider and given them the same moves, and NO ONE COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE! Anyway, the Falcon Punch is ultra-slow and short-ranged, the Falcon Dive is an awesome grab/throw attack, the Falcon Kick burns ass, and the Raptor Boost is an uppercut that burns. He's also fast. I guess he's okay. Rating: 2.0/5.0 - I'd prefer the Mach Rider guy. |
 B: Blaster B+Up: Fire Fox B+Down: Reflector B+Forward: Fox Illusion | Like Capt. Falcon, Fox McCloud was originally glued to a pilot/driver's seat. Add some weird ass moves, and now Nintendo has themselves a new fighter. Maybe Nintendo was just lazy or something, but there are some characters they could have used in their games that actually HAVE moves of their own. Even that Balloon Fighter had his own moves by default. But whatever. Fox falls like a rock, as though he weighed a zillion pounds. The Blaster is a weak-ass attack, while the Fire Fox is another repedative fire-based attack. The Reflector reflects projectiles, and the Fox Illusion is some goofy ass ninja attack thing. Whatever. Rating: 1.5/5.0 - He falls too damn fast! |
 B: PK Flash B+Up: PK Thunder B+Down: PK Magnet B+Forward: PK Fire | This is Ness, the cool kid with the mad mind powers and the kick ass baseball bat! When not beating the ass of aliens and dogs, he is usually eating muffin. His psychic attacks range from yet ANOTHER fire attack to another electric attack to something else. PK Flash is a bad ass electric attack, and PK Thunder makes Ness fly! PK Magnet takes a bite out of balls... Of fire. Oh, and PK Fire burns like hell. Ness is one bad mother... Shut yo mouth! I'm only talkin' about Ness. And we can dig it! Rating: 4.5/5.0 - Ness! You're damn right! |
 B: Ice Shot B+Up: Belay B+Down: Blizzard B+Forward: Squall Hammer | Finally, they get another game to star in! The Ice Climbers have been getting jack squat for so long, that they are now ready and able to wreck the competition! They are the only tag team duo in this game, so they have many advantages, such as kicking ass at twice the rate of normal characters. Most of their attacks are made up, but make sense in a way. The Ice Shot is icy, while the Belay is the best triple jump around! Blizzard freezes, while the Squall Hammer deals the mad bash! Ice Climbers, ho! Rating: 5.0/5.0 - Ice Climbers rock! |
 B: Swallow B+Up: Final Cutter B+Down: Stone B+Forward: Hammer | First, you draw a circle. Then you dot the eyes. Add some flippers, and make it pink. What do you get? No, not a Gay Pride parade! I'm talking about Kirby! Kirby is one bad bro with an appetite of a wino. Swallow, while sounding like a nasty thing to do, is actually a non-sexual attack that copies the enemies' B attack. Final Cutter is wicked fast, and the Stone allows for smashing status! The Hammer busts heads open. Kirby is rad! Rating: 4.5/5.0 - Kirby kicks ass! |
 B: Charge Shot B+Up: Screw Attack B+Down: Bomb B+Forward: Missile | From the depths of space, Samus Aran is a chick in a can... A can full of whoop ass! Samus has all the essential military firepower that most Rambo-type tough guys wish they had. Even Solid Snake couldn't compare, as he is usually never armed in the first place. Charge Shots get mad power as they get larger. The Screw Attack is just a fast jump flip move, not some weird sex thing. Bomb is a bomb, and Missile comes in two forms: homing and fast. Samus blows crap up! Samus makes crap explode! Samus is it! Rating: 4.5/5.0 - KABOOM! |
 B: Nayru's Love B: Needle Storm B+Up: Farore's Wind B+Up: Vanish B+Down: Transform B+Down: Transform B+Forward: Din's Fire B+Forward: Chain | Zelda is finally playable. Apparently, Nintendo decided that she should actually fight for a change, due to Nintendo trying to become an equal opportunity employer in the fighting game genre. She really doesn't have much of her own attacks, as the three non-Transform attacks are all of Link's magic attacks from that Zelda game for the N64. Transform turns Zelda into Sheik, a fast-fighting wussie that is easy to knock out. The Chain and Needle Storm were added to her arsenal, because Nintendo was hard pressed for time and thought, while Vanish is about the only thing she knows how to do. If you like light, easy-to-knock-out characters, Zelda is awesome. Rating: 3.5/5.0 - She's still better than Mario, though. |
 B: Bow B+Up: Spin Attack B+Down: Bomb B+Forward: Boomerang | The hero of the Zelda series is an elf that an old man named Old Man taught to fight. Old Man said "IT'S DANGEROUS TO GO ALONE! TAKE THIS." and as fast as Sonic the Hedgehog on speed and caffine pills, he became a hero. He can shoot a Bow with such strength, Spin Attack really fast, Bomb enemy bodies, and Boomerang up some Australian beer. Link's claim to fame is that anyone can be him! All you need is an Old Man to tell you that "LET'S PLAY MONEY-MAKING GAME!" Link, why couldn't you jump? Rating: 4.0/5.0 - "DODONGO DISLIKES SMOKE." |
 B: Fireball B+Up: Super Jump Punch B+Down: Luigi Tornado B+Forward: Green Missile | Mama mia! Mario's brother is in the game! Being the most famously neglected guy of all, Luigi is just a psudo-clone of Mario. About the only thing different about Luigi is the Green Missile, which is some weird ass flying headbutt attack. Luigi ain't much besides that. Rating: 3.0/5.0 - Repeat. Luigi ain't much. |
 B: Rollout B+Up: Sing B+Down: Rest B+Forward: Pound | What used to be the most useless fighter in the original Super Smash Bros. game became the only guy who can kick Giga Bowser, Mewtwo, and Ganondorf's asses all at the same time! Jigglypuff is one of the most radical characters around! Rollout is a bitchin' assault on the psyche! Sing sets up all the jabronis for a one-way trip to loserville. Rest KOs people in ONE HIT! And Pound is an attack. Jigglypuff is awesome! Rating: 5.5/5.0 - Jigglypuff is k-rad, sucka! |
 B: Shadow Ball B+Up: Teleport B+Down: Disable B+Forward: Confusion | Mewtwo is in the game now. He can do about anything that is related to kicking butt. Shadow Ball is an awesome charging attack that hurts anyone that comes near while it's charging up. Teleport allows Mewtwo to teleport, sucka! Disable stuns people for a wicked mad attack! And Confusion deflects stuff. He's also the only character that doesn't really pick up items. He uses his freaky psychic powers to make hammers and swords spin around him. His flaw? He's so physically weak. If Fat Albert belched in his direction, Mewtwo ain't getting up. Rating: 4.0/5.0 - I'm intentionally rating every Pokemon high to piss anti-Pokemon activists off. |
 B: Shield Breaker B+Up: Dolphin Slash B+Down: Counter B+Forward: Dancing Blade | All Marth knows is his sword-fighting skills. He just flails that thing around. Because of that, I'm not even gonna tell you what his moves do, because they are all the same. He does look effeminite, though, which is why he looks like a flamer. Maybe he is. Rating: 0.5/5.0 - I'm doing this to make myself look like a homophobe, so you can get pissed off. |
 B: Megavitamin B+Up: Super Jump Punch B+Down: Dr. Tornado B+Forward: Super Sheet | Dr. Mario is an exact clone of Mario. The only difference between the two is the fact that Dr. Mario is stronger. Oh, and Dr. Mario is cooler. Dr. Mario rocks! Rating: 5.0/5.0 - Dr. Mario is k-rad, sucka! |
 B: Blaster B+Up: Fire Bird B+Down: Reflector B+Forward: Falcon Phantasm | Falco is an exact clone of Fox McCloud. The only difference between the two is the fact that Falco has a blaster that is actually good. Falco still ain't that great, though. Rating: 1.5/5.0 - He also falls too damn fast. |
 B: Warlock Punch B+Up: Dark Dive B+Down: Wizard's Foot B+Forward: Gerudo Dragon | Ganondorf, like some of the other characters, needed some moves to make him playable. Due to Nintendo's strictly lazy demeanor to give the gamer's good characters and movesets, Ganondorf is an exact clone of Capt. Falcon, only extremely strong. Rating: 3.0/5.0 - He is evil, and therefore superior to Capt. Falcon. |
 B: Thunder Jolt B+Up: Agility B+Down: Thunder B+Forward: Skull Bash | Pichu is an exact clone of Pikachu, with the only differences being that Pichu is harder to attack due to it's small size, and Pichu hurts itself whenever using electricity. He's funny! Rating: 4.0/5.0 - That surfboard is still bitchin'! |
 B: Flare Blade B+Up: Blazer B+Down: Counter B+Forward: Double-Edge Dance | Roy is Marth with more firey attacks. He's a "flamer". GET IT? Flamer like fire AND Elton John! You know, two meanings for the same word... Ah, forget it. I'm giving the same rating. Rating: 0.5/5.0 - By now, the Liberals should be angry at my jokingly insulting gays. Good for me! |
 B: Bow B+Up: Spin Attack B+Down: Bomb B+Forward: Boomerang | Young Link is the cooler version of Link. He's the guy that had to listen to Old Man. Anyone that can do that is alright in my book. Rating: 4.5/5.0 - Drink your milk, fool! |
 B: Chef B+Up: Fire B+Down: Oil Panic B+Forward: Judgement | Finally, there is Mr. Game & Watch, a representation of all the Game & Watch characters. He will always be the last secret character you get. He also has limited movement, as a few frames determine his moving ability. Chef tosses sausages at people! Fire is actually a super trampoline attack. Oil Panic is this bad ass attack that absorbs projectiles and throws an oil slick back at them with as much damage back! And Judgement bitch slaps the competition! Mr. Game & Watch rocks! Rating: 5.0/5.0 - Mr. Game & Watch is awesome! |