The Yu-Gi-Oh-Logy of Michael Myers

The "Halloween" series

Michael Myers, sadistic serial killer, has slayed many in Haddonfield, Illinois, all in an attempt to kill that damn Jamie Lee Curtis and her VoiceStream crap.

The innovator of really cheesy horror flicks, John Carpenter, scares us up a classic ensemble of randomly-assorted teenage sex scenes that have something to do with murder and Jamie Lee Curtis. The first in the series, entitled "Evil Dead", was made by the director of Spiderman and Darkman, in which a young Bruce Campbell kills all his friends by burning the Necronomicon inside of a fireplace and screwing up the space-time continuum in the process, making "Evil Dead II" a pseudo-sequel that tries to rewrite the entire trilogy. "Halloween," however, is not about Campbell or boomsticks, but about a young Michael Myers who kills teens for having sex, even going so far as to kill teenage nurses in hospitals because they were having sex with teenage guys in the sequel "Halloween II." In "Halloween III, Michael Myers apparently transformed into a Capitalistic pig that managed to smuggle a 5000-ton slab of Stonehenge through U.S. customs (it's not that hard when security is busy nightsticking old ladies upside the head for carrying dealdy tweezers and medication) that he uses to make microchips that are affixed to company logos that are affixed to children's Halloween masks that kids wear on Halloween to watch the Myers' company's commercial which activates the chips which turns kids into not-so-alive kids. And if you managed to get confused by that last sentence, don't worry, because "Halloween III" has nothing to do with the Halloween series at all, and is equally confusing. "Halloween IV," however, brings Michael back to whatever he was doing in the non-third movies. It also has the most innovative way of killing somebody with a shotgun without actually firing the weapon! Wow! "Halloween V" teaches us that 5 million bullet wounds to the chest and head don't keep a guy down, while "Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" teaches us that Myers hates his relatives a lot. "Halloween: H2O" was crap, as was "Halloween Resurrection," and the upcoming Halloween movies, "Halloween: Michael Myers Takes Manhattan" and "Halloween in Space". I recommend you watch the whole series! NOW!

They Live

"I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum."

Okay, so I'm what you'd call a "wrestling mark." I've said that for the last trillion times. Not a day goes by that I long for the ye olden times, when Ric Flair and the Four Horsemen were terrorizing the NWA (the wrestling organization, not that rap group, you pig's bladder), blah blah blah. I'm not a big fan of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, the wrestler, as I'm not a big fan of Hulk Hogan, the wrestler. However, they both were in movies, and they made some of the best horrible movies ever made. Piper, in this instance, takes on the role of John Nada, whom you never hear his name in the entire movie, but you see in the rolling credits at the end. He's a down-on-his-luck neo-hobo who just got a job at some construction company that makes buildings out of metallic metal and triple platinum bling bling. He decides to hang out across a church where a bunch of hobos gather around eating meals served by the church and watching TV. All of a sudden, the area gets attacked by suits, Piper finds some weird sunglasses, and... Rent the movie to find out. I will say, however, that his big line, one he ab-libbed (that's fancy talk for his finishing maneuver, the Sleeper Hold, or something), is the greatest one-liner in history. Better than "Hail to the king, baby," and that's quite an accomplishment. This movie falls under the same kind of category "Army of Darkness" falls into; that weird action-adventure-horror-comedy thing that everyone loves to watch. Plus, it's a B-movie, and if that ain't enough reason to see it, then go watch "Scream" or something, because you're pissing me off.

Yu-Gi-Oh!

Well, aren't we almighty? I once ate at a local Denny's. That's something to gloat about.

Finally, if you can't find a movie, I suggest playing a healthy game of "Yu-Gi-Oh!" in any of it's many forms, including but not limited to: card game, Game Boy Advance game, cereal box maze, or Russian Roulette, and by "healthy" I mean play until you starve to death or get a cereal-induced epileptic attack. You may be thinking about why you're wasting your time reading this when you could be making yourself a cheese, egg, and mayo sandwich, a.k.a. "the heart-attack special." You may also be wondering what "Yu-Gi-Oh!" has to do with Halloween. If you don't watch the popular cartoon for religious or business reasons that deny the right to watch TV shows about poorly animated Japanese programming horribly dubbed in emotionless English and edited to the high heavens, then you're unaware that 90% of the characters on the show are more horrifying than sin. Take this one guy, Bokura. He's got this white to white-purple-white hair and looks female. It's one thing for a kid's show to have no guns or abusive language, but it fails logic that they let a transvestite run around the show. Or take the show's main character, Yugi. His body is half the size of his eyes, which together take up half his immense head, not to mention his head looks as though you could milk all sorts of different Slurpees off it like a cow's udder. However, that chick in the picture above, Tea (pronounced taye-ah, go figure), is kind of cute, if only her eyes weren't the size of soccer balls... And she wasn't a poorly animated fictional character with a total of three frames of movement in the entire series... Otherwise, I'm tired, and don't know what I'm talking about right now.

As you can see, Oktoberfest can be quite fun. And remember that if you're under the legal age to consume alcohol, there's a five drink minimum. Zeig heil!