Zelda 2: The Evil Dead If you're like most horror movie enthusiasts, there are multiple cult classics for different kinds of people. You've got your Night of the Living Dead enthusiasts that believed that the black guy at the end of the movie was the last living survivor that got shot by Whitey because Honkey can't tell the difference between the undead and a black guy. You've got your Return of the Living Dead enthusiasts that loved the scene when Linnea Quigley got naked and started dancing on top of a tombstone for no reason other than to get acid-rained all over her body, turning her into a naked zombie chick. There's always the Halloween enthusiasts that thought Michael Myers wasn't Garth's excellent companion, Wayne, but a kick-ass version of Jason that can walk through glass panels and still fight after getting his eyes shot out by old dudes. Let's not forget the guys that loved Child's Play movies, who thought voodoo, plastic dolls, and psycho killers can be molded into some kind of plot.
If you haven't seen any of the Evil Dead movies, don't worry. According to statistics I made up in my spare time, 5% of the world has actually seen The Evil Dead, whereas 15% of the world has seen Evil Dead 2. However, the third-greatest movie of all time, next to The Breakfast Club and Smokey and the Bandit, Army of Darkness has been since by 99% of all people age 13 to 35, and taught everyone about the joy of working at a department store chain. K-Mart, when not filing for bankrupcy, always cares about their employees by teaching them important skills, like mapping the store layout with their minds, and breaking glass cases for emergency rifle blasting of possessed fat ladies in search of Thighmasters and souls to swallow. Bruce Campbell is an American hero to most. The other American hero is Tom Daschle, but all he's been known to do is promote Communism and receive anthrax mail with the phrase "Glory to Allah" tacked onto it. Also, Daschle has never in his life had to cut his girlfriend's head off with a shovel whenever he listened to excerpts from the Necronomecon, or had to butcher his sister with an ax just because she felt like stabbing people with pencils and swallowing all of their souls. Bruce Campbell, who plays the role of Ash, does not at any time capture any Pokemon that are just sitting there. Instead, he works at an S-Mart or goes to college. I can't remember which, since the whole trilogy had a faulty storyline that no one can understand. There are only two other movie series that had a worse story plot when placing them together:
  Phantasm is about a regular guy and a bald ex-ice cream vendor taking revenge on the Tall Man, a movie version of the Undertaker, only without the WWF, as he exhumes corpses and turns them into flying killer steel balls and freaky midgit monks. There are too many sequels to keep track of, and the storyline is so horrible, it makes the story of Pac-Man look like War and Peace. The Leprechaun is about Warwick Davis, aka the Leprechaun, on a never-ending series of nonsense movies, as his situations change from him attacking people in a farmhouse that stole his gold, to his adventures in outer space, as Marines blow up the guy. However, as most people know, if a Marine takes a leak on a dead Leprechaun's body, the green bastard is gonna resurrect itself in his wang and burst out like a bat out of hell. He's also gambled in Las Vegas, hung out in the hood, and has even made teenage men think that a set of whirling lawn mower blades is actually a chick's rack. And since teenage dudes like to press their faces into a set of pillows, he gets his face mauled off. And before we continue with this article anymore, remember that if you see a gold coin, LEAVE IT THERE! Or else...
  Other things to realize about Bruce Campbell. He's a guy that can make working at a department store look like a worthwhile dream, of blasting the hell out of any possessed chicks. He's a guy that can drive at 88 miles per hour, hit a tree, run straight into a winshield head first, get right back up, and start running again like nothing ever happened. I knew Crash Test Dummies that broke hinges after BMW crash tests, proving those damn "Buckle Your Saftey Belt" commericals were just all voodoo hocus pocus crap. This is a man who not only had to severe his girlfriend's head off with a shovel, but also had to saw her head in half just because her body tried to saw him in half. He's a guy that can saw off his possessed hand with a rusty chainsaw that he starts up with his teeth and not die from the shock, the pain, or the blood loss. Not only that, but he still has enough energy to duct tape a clean rag to his wrist stump, AND be able to use a double barreled shotgun with one arm as he fires away at his evil right hand. To top that all off, this is a man who was thrown into and has had fallen on him endless supplies of bookshelves. This guy is one bad mother... SHUT YO MOUTH!Although there is a game out for the Playstation, Dreamcast, and PC, entitled Evil Dead: Hail to the King, someone a few years before hadn't figured on a game for it, so that said someone took the initiative to make a brand new game out of a classic NES game. We call these things "hacks", and while they're just other games with different sprites, they mean so much more. Like, they have a hidden meaning. Pirate meaning. Like when you see that Dragonball Z action figure with no copyright information whatsoever, and with the human eyeball lodged in Goku's left arm socket because them guys in Hong Kong can't tell the difference between a wallet-making sweatshop, the little kid slave factory, or the Illegal Human Parts Donkey Kong Hospital. So, whenever you needed a liver, it always had a plastic Wing Gundam head lodged in it. Good ol' Secret Pirate Island known as Hong Kong...
Safe to say that if you are an expert at Zelda 2: Adventures of Link, then this game is a neat little transision. If not, then this game is a bitch to beat. Suffice to say, most hacks suck, and the reason for that is that you've already played the game in a previous life. Perhaps you were the second grade cool kid, or the tenth grade nerd, or even the fat twenty-five year old Star Wars fanatic that thought The Wizard sucked compared to the greatness of Tron. Whatever the case... Where was I? Oh, yeah. This game sucked. So do yourself a favor and rent... No... Buy... No... Rent, then make a pirated copy, of the entire Evil Dead trilogy! Do so now, and remember that, good or bad...
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Out of all the horror movies around, though, there is one trilogy that defied all logic. One movie that showed us that even Joe Bob Briggs can make a movie if he still had money or a show on TNT, for that matter. The movie that had the drinking game that kills five people a year due to alcohol poisoning or drowning in the toilet. I'm talking about everyone's favorite American store clerk bad-ass extraordinaire, Bruce Campbell, in the role which made him the greatest B-actor of all time, The Evil Dead trilogy!
There are hacks for nearly every good game. There's a hack of Super Mario Bros. that allows you to control that crazy South Park Jew named Kyle as he stomped on Goombas and Koopa Troopas. It lacked Cartman, though, so it sucked. Anything with South Park but without Cartman sucks in my book. And the said someone I talked about earlier made a hack of Zelda 2: The Adventures of Link, and turned Link into everyone's favorite kick-ass store clerk warrior, Ash! With boomstick in hand, he teaches primitive screw heads to not mess with him, and to hail to the king, baby! That is, that's what would happen if this was Army of Darkness, and damn it, it ain't! It's some crazy hack of Zelda 2! I bet some people actually went out and purchased Evil Dead: Hail to the King instead of downloading this piece of crap.
Well, the townsfolk look all assed up, so that sucks all the life out of the towns. Most townspeople look like people, but I was wrong. They all look like baby Mothras with missing torsos. All we need is some baby Godzillas, Megalons, and Godzookies, and some of those miniature people like the two hot chicks that talk in unison about Mothra to play the role of the screaming Japanese people that fear their weekly monster attacks. Also, the fact that Ash never uses his patented 12-gague Double-Barreled Remmington is screwed up enough as is! He just holds it up like a Confederate flag. You don't fight hoards of the Evil Dead without the mighty power of a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a helluva great hair trigger! Then again, Ash did have the amazing one-handed chainsaw, but when it was holstered, it looked more like a baseball bat or sword or something. It did it's mad sawing action whenever you attacked, but he never started up or caught it in mid-air or ANYTHING!