Don't Screw With
Scratch & Grounder

In the early 1990s, we were treated to Sega forcing Nintendo into making the Super Nintendo, as the Sega Genesis was kicking the Nintendo Entertainment System in the balls repeatedly. This is due in large part to next-gen gamers. These sad sacks of crap always look for the most technologically advanced pieces of garbage they can find, and push it to the ends of the earth. This applies not only to the video gamers, but music gurus and movie buffs as well. Why do you think the 8-track and the vinyl record fell to the compact disc, or the classic goofy special effects made with Karo syrup and plastic bags ala "The Evil Dead" were replaced with cool-looking but ultra-fake-looking computer animated crap seen in "Blade" too many time too often? That's right, it's because the uber-nerds of modern-day society believe that digital fiber optic laser disc recording multi-gig techno post-Tron machines of tomorrow will cause a "Weird Science" effect where they can create ultra-hot women with only 256k computers or some crap. I can't remember, but I do remember that "Weird Science" was a great movie, and if you haven't seen it yet, you should drown yourself in a toilet or rent the movie today. Either way, you'll get great results.

Hedgehogs, in their natural environment.

Anyway, Sega needed a mascot for their little machine that churned awesome sound with mediocre graphics and piss-poor speed and stability, because back in ye olde Sega Master System days, Sega only knew how to make sports games, and really crappy ones to boot. Think my all-time favorite football game, 10-Yard Fight, only the graphics are sub-par Atari 2600 quality with almost no real sport-likeness except the game keeps score pretty accurately, but even lab monkeys from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back" knew how to count. Sega decides to make a super-fast hedgehog, because making a hedgehog that moves at normal speed is boring. They learned that lesson from watching the old Touche Tortoise cartoons from yesteryear. If you've never seen a Touche Tortoise cartoon in your life, then you're missing out on one of Hanna-Barbera's millions of animal-related cartoon characters along with the forgotten but great Lippy the Lion and Ricochet Rabbit. I don't care if Bugs Bunny could dig holes and crap, because Ricochet Rabbit could fire a bullet that can stop in mid-air and bash any bad guy in the skull with a sledge hammer, a skill nobody ever uses nowadays, what with "The Matrix" teaching us nothing is real. Dumb movie. I eat and sleep and punch people in the face. I don't need a mature version of Power Rangers with more guns and Keanu Reeves sans the awesomeness of Ted Theodore Logan shooting at a dumb retarded super-villain that looks like a assed-up version of Darth Vader mixed with Corey Hart telling me all about humans being viruses in a world he doesn't even believe exists. These weird happenings are really horrible, ya know. Oh, I was talking about something else. Hold on... Anyway, Sega makes Sonic the Hedgehog, we get some games, and he's popular, so cartoons are made of him, because we like cartoons, damn it!

Monkeys are clever bastards that will rape you without warning, unlike other rapists that warn you about it first.

Two cartoons were made about Sonic the Hedgehog at the same time, because it's the early 1990s, and two genres of cartoons are popular, them being action and cartoony, which means humorous, pointless, and great. ABC gets the action version, and all the Sonic fans across the net almost piss their pants with delight because action cartoons are so great, what with "Dragonball Z" being so popular with the kids that think watching a 29-hour fight involving twitching and bad insults tied in to two fighters that are constipated and never need to blink, eat, or take a crap at anytime is the most fun anyone can offer. I yawn at the action cartoon known as Sonic the Hedgehog. It reminds me of Captain Planet, only it stars a blue hedgehog that runs really fast as his special power. So in reality, it's really a bastard child version of what would happen if Captain Plantet raped The Flash. You get this show. Yeah...

The second cartoon is where it's at, however. It stars the same Sonic the Hedgehog, only instead of fighting evil polluters like Hoggish Greedly and that rat thing with the helecopter, he has to fight a Dr. Robotnik that's a cooler and richer version of Bluto and his craftiness. It's got comedy, bad animation, and gosh darnit, it's just awesome, I gotta tell you. However, knowing that Robotnik has the mobility of a cement truck without wheels stuck in a mud-pit full of superglue, making Robotnik fight off the evil Sonic was pretty hard, since Sonic moves around like a crackhead on speed and meth at the same time scarfing down chili dogs as if he were a pothead crackbaby or something. I don't know, because the papers about Sonic's drug abuse have been shreaded since Sonic can spin into a bladed ball and cut apart file cabinets, and since Sonic can bash his head into the file cabinet a zillion times a second and feel no pain due to all the brain cells he's fried over the years, so we will assume Sonic is a pothead and way faster than the good Robotnik.

So Robotnik builds three robots to aid in his quest to kill hedgehogs doped out of their gourd. One is a monkey named Coconuts, who sounds like Gilbert Godfried got kicked in the testicles a couple dozen times, but is still cool anyway, but we ain't talking about Coconuts today. Today, we salute two of the most underappreciated supervillains of all-time! Presenting:

Muddatruckin' Scratch and Grounder, sucka!

Scratch is a robotic rooster that has the coolest evil-laugh in all of foreverdom, and Grounder is a drilling robot thing that sounds like he's had nasal problems since the day he shoved crayons up his nose. They construct the most cunning and evilest of traps to capture wily hedgehogs stoned off of any bags of crap they can inhale. In a word, they can be summed up as being "excellent." Now, the action version of the cartoon never had a great team such as Scratch and Grounder. Instead, it had a Robotnik that sounded like a rip-off between Dr. Claw and Hoggish Greedly. I'll go so far as to say in the action version, Robotnik is the bastard child version of what would happen if Dr. Claw had the anatomy to rape Hoggish Greedly if Greedly's ass could actually be lifted off the ground. So, in reality, a Dr. Robotnik of this version would be impossible, PERIOD! Plus, he had this whiny nephew or whatever named Snively, who look liked one of the gay munchkins from the Wizard of Oz, not to be confused with the dead one hanging on the set. It was really sad. Don't know what I'm talking about? Look up the Wizard of Oz movie trivia crap and it'll explain the dead munchkin scene... Okay, I checked, and according to some site, it was really a stage hand or something, and it wasn't being hung. I dunno. Look it up yourself, while i get back to writing this article.

If you ever meet these two in a dark alley, you should just save their valuable time and kill yourself.

Scratch and Grounder use the most cunning of tricks and traps to capture the evil hedgehog, which include, but are not limited to the following:

* A chili dog stand with wet cement in the floor in front of the stand.
* Attempting to run Sonic over with a steamroller.
* Grounder becoming a super-genius in record-breaking time.
* Shooting Sonic with a ray gun that transports him into a fairy tale book.
* Attacking Sonic dressed as knights.
* Attacking Sonic dressed as ninjas.
* Attacking Sonic dressed as pirates.
* Attacking Sonic dressed as Egyptian things.
* Arial assults with mini-zepplins.
* Old fashioned chase scenes.

As you can see, with all these amazing abilities at their disposal, Scratch and Grounder are two guys you should NEVER SCREW WITH! If you do, they may kick your ass. Scratch and Grounder rule. To further not illustrate my point, I will explain it in terms that the average cartoon viewer can understand:

* Pokèmon is popular because they have Team Rocket, stereotypical evil bumblers!
* Wacky Races has Dick Dastardly and Muttley, stereotypical evil bumblers!
* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has Rocksteady and Bebop, stereotypical evil bumblers!
* Captain N has Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo, stereotypical evil bumblers!

As you can see from this list, stereotypical evil bumblers not only equal comedy in the form of comic relief, but they are the glue that holds cartoons together. Without Scratch and Grounder, the action-packed dark-and-serious Sonic cartoon might still be on the air today. But lo and behold, the many Sonic fans out there that think being as dark as a Gothic Razor Blade Party equals quality are wrong, for it is the pointless and cheesy old fashioned comedy antics of Scratch and Grounder that make the better comedy Sonic cartoon much more watchable! So it shall be written. So it has been done! BOOYA!