Crazy Internet Opinions

The Internet-Savvy Goth

I should be a little more compasionate to these guys. They have it worse than most critically ill individuals.

When not destroying their wrists with various shiny sharp things that cut and scrape, or not sleeping in a deep, dark depression caused by their inability to save the world like Superman and The Hulk, the Goth becomes internet-savvy, with the ability to spread their message of death and hopelessness as if they were the Second Coming. They make websites that feature all the greatness and triumph that Goths have aquired over the years, including but not limited to the following: wrist-slicing, depressive poetry, darkness, black outfits, poor hygeine, black and white cosmetics, and the band "Tool". Technically, they can be classified as being the "Liberal" side of political thinking, but in reality, as much as they despise Capitalism and the exploitation and pain of X amount of people, there is no pain more bitter and sorrowing than the pain in their pain-ridden soul of painful pain. They are some of the most individual of individuals, as well, never conforming to any group. They accomplish this by wearing all black outfits and listening to Nine Inch Nails on a regular basis. Despite what people think about Goths, i.e. they all act and dress alike, that is simply not true. It is you that is the sheep for not wearing all black outfits and listening to Nine Inch Nails on a regular basis while being in a depressive slump and sliting your wrist with a rusty razor blade. Individualism comes from understanding the pain in your own heart, followed by wallowing in your own self-pity, and that is the message of love the Internet-Savvy Goth conveys to the masses. They are also the only sect of Goths that spread their message, so hooray for them.

The Anarco-Communist Bad-Ass

Best step off, fool, or they be hizzay to da grizzay! Sk8r 4 eva!

Of all the internet's greatest inhabitants, the Anarco-Communist Bad-Ass, or ACBA (pronounced ack-bah) is the most violent, in theory. With their unrivaled hatred for Republican corporate sell-out pigs as well as their ability to call people on the internet "fags", the ACBA realizes that society is full of "fags" that hate sheepish "fags" that "fagily fag" the "fag" out of "fags" like you. If you like any popular mainstream band from any era of time, from Beethoven to Chicago to Dave Matthews Band, you're nothing but "a fagity sheep fag" that doesn't know what real music is about. Real music stems from not being a corporate sell-out and from not being generally accepted by the mainstream public, so bands like System of a Down and Slipknot are the real rockin' bands, and anyone that says otherwise is, you guessed it, a "fagity fag fag". Before you e-mail me about how offensive I am right now, let me remind you that I am meerly quoting the millions upon millions of ACBAs that live in the internet with the intent to call you a "fag" because you are obviously a corporate sell-out sheep sent by the evil McDonalds/Disney/Hasbro/Viacom/Microsoft/Barnum & Bailey Circus corporation to commercialize and conform to the evil money-mongering CEO pigs, otherwise known as "fags". They also hate governments, especially those that are manned by Republicans, because all Republicans drill oil out of the brains of baby ducks in sludge-filled ponds that are burning up rainforests, but are slightly more tolerant of Democrats "even though some of them are fagity fags". They can sometimes be found under the "mall metal" moniker that listen to bands like Rage Against The Machine and Korn, but are more in it to be more individual. Yes, like the Goth, the ACBA are all very individual-oriented, despite their "Communist" trait, but Communism to them is the sign of true individualism, and if you think otherwise, then... Well, you know. Also, they dress like grungy mall metal-heads, and can be identified by their Kurt Cobain look, pre- or post-dead, with a lot of dirt, plaid, and torn-up jeans, and some even skateboard religiously because skateboarding and Anarco-Communism go together like peanut butter and iced tea. Marx, Stalin, and Mao were all expert skateboarders, you know. On the internet, their poor grammar and witty use of the word "fag" is well noted and will be a powerful force in the world of the internet.

Microsoft Fanboys

Above: The Microsoft Team, circa 1975. Not pictured: Satan, a Leprechaun, and Shaq as "Kazaam".

Out of all the internet-users in the world, there are few quite as computer-literate and "1337" with the "hax0r1ng ski11z" as the Microsoft Fanboy, or MFers. MFers are, plain and simple, the kings and queens of the nerd world, and can be identified by their lack of physical fitness, their poor eyesight, and their masterful computer knowledge. When not playing EverQuest on their computers, playing Halo on their X-Boxes, or shelling out good money on the most jacked-up computer parts for their computers, they can be found on message boards writing about their vast and superior knowledge of computers by typing with as few real letters as possible and blatantly misspelling words left and right, or in their lingo, "13f7 @nd r1647". Sometimes they get into the habit of hacking into a variety of things, or "hax0r1ng j00" in "1337 sp3@k", the official language of all MFers and all newbie/"n00b" AOL users across the country. Such hackings include website hacking, chat hacking, hack 'n slashing, and "hax0r1ng j00 s700p1d n00b". While getting into a debate with them on any subject manner in the world, they will often speak about their computer's specs or the X-Box's specs, followed up with some random words thrown together in "1337 sp3@k" in a way that is undechiperable to regular, literate people who actually went to English class during school instead of living on Doritos, Mountain Dew, and EverQuest. Don't ask about movies, music, or even discuss politics, because they have no opinion on anything that doesn't have specs and spreadsheets readily available to them, and besides that, they're too damn busy playing EverQuest to care what you have to say. On the internet, they rule the roost with a cable modem for a horse, a Pentium 5 4.3GHz 600GB 2048MB SDRAM 64x DVD/CD-RW KFMDM computer for a chariot, and "1337 sk1llz" for a sword.

And those are your most prevalent internet users. Other archetypes include such great opinion-driven groups like the "White Supremacy Advocate", the "Anti-American European", and my personal favorite, the "Sarcastic S.O.B." If you're planning to move into the wide world of the internet, it's good to know your enemies, your friends, your friends' enemies, your enemies' friends, and most importantly, that taking anything on the internet seriously is a sure sign that you are, as the ACBA say, "a fagity fag fag".